Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’
Leroy replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’
A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’
The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’
‘Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,’
‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself…’
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said,
‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’
‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband.
‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you…’
The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’
Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records…
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?’
The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’
‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective.
‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.
‘A golf gun! What is a golf gun?’
‘I don’t know… But it sure made a hole in Juan.’
Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion…’
Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell…’
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
‘I’m O. K. but I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in
surgery,’ he answered.
‘What did he say,’ asked the nurse…
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.
‘What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’
‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’
He’s still in intensive care.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder,
followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more
thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.’
An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife.
He immediately dials 999.
Irishman: ''It’s me wife! I’ve accidentally shot ‘er & I tink
I’ve killed ‘er!’’
Operator: ‘‘Please calm down, Sir, can you first make
sure she is actually dead!’’
Irishman: ‘‘Okay, done that. What next?’’
Quotes from Nighttime Hosts…
The population of the United States is now at 300 million. You can tell who the new people are too, they’re the ones that aren’t fat yet!
Michelle Obama is making a garden at the White House. While she was out digging, she found three of Dick Cheney’s hunting buddies
Another medical study has found that clowns in an operating room are beneficial to recovery of young patients. The reason is that kids think, "Wow, at least I’m not him.”
Dont Say This To A Cop
I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
Aren’t you the guy from the villiage people?
Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
What is the definition of a Wife? An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? About twenty to thirty kilos!
What have women and dog turds got in common? The older they get, the easier to pick up!!
THE NEW AUSTRALIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM
Australians all let us rejoice
The weekend now is near
We’ve worked all bloody week for this
Dear God let’s get a beer.
Our desks abound in paperwork
Our hands are stained with ink
In desperate stage, we’ll fly the cage
Advance to Friday drinks!!
With joyful strains, destroy our brains
Advance to Friday drinks
How to tell if you’re a Penrith Panthers supporter.
1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in
front of her kids.
3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. Jack Daniels makes your list of “most admired people.”
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family once died right after saying: “Hey, watch
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife’s hairdo.
9. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: “Carn
10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off
11. The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much
petrol is in it.
12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
14. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law
15. You think “loaded dishwasher” means your wife is drunk.
16. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
17. Your front verandah collapses and kills more than five dogs.
The Spaghetti Joke
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage. He said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, she said, ‘you received a very strange post card today.’
‘Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,’ he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
Two Indian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care …
One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.
Asian Minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough television shows with minorities in mind -
so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses
with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny’s mother says, “Let’s not be too harsh on them … they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.”
“Curious about sex?” replies Mary’s mother. “He’s taken her appendix out!”
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”
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