In these tense football times, with our team always needing to Win to stay in the hunt for the finals, here are some tips to stay on the edge of Insanity……Enjoy
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity:
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that…
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ’ For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7 Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘To Go’.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling ‘Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
1 … My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn’t.
2 … I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3… Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
4… I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5… Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6… You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7… Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder .
8… Earth is the insane asylum for the universe .
9… I’m not a complete idiot – Some parts are just missing.
10… Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11… God must love stupid people; He made so many.
12… The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
13… Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
14… Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
15… Being ‘over the hill’ is much better than being under it!
16… Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
17… A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
18… A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
19… Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
20… They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken …
21 … He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
22 … Ham and eggs…A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
23… I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.
Anyone bloke on here who has been in a long relationship, will understand ……this is the main reason for my insanity.
It’s not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
- arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol
Looks like Red Skelton’s wife drove him insane as well……some of his famous line.
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas .
3. I take my wife everywhere…
but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said “There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, “In the lake.”
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late
for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her
first name was Always.
12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months
I don’t like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”
I said, “Dust!”
1. Usually, when someone is telling me a story, all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish their story so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also directly involves me.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize that you’re wrong.
3. I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
4. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
5. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
6. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.
7. Do you remember when you were a kid; playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
8. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
9. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fcuk was going on when I first saw it.
10. Think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
11. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
12. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
13. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
14. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
15. Was learning cursive really necessary?
16. Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
18. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a knob from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
21. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
22. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
23. ‘Where Is’ really needs to start their directions on point number 5 - pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighbourhood.
24. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
25. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
26. I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’ to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”
27. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
28. Bad decisions make good stories.
29. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
30. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
31. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from; this shouldn’t be a problem…
32. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
33. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
34. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
35. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
36. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” - means I will never wash this…ever.
37. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’
38. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and Australia. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.
39. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer - drop the phone and run away?
40. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
41. When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
42. Why is a school zone 40 kms per hr? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for paedophiles…
43. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
44. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
45. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
46. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
47. I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
48. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
49. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?
50. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
51. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
52. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard.