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Courtesy of the SMH:
In an exclusive edited extract from Benji Marshall’s new book, he tells why personal scrutiny makes him consider walking away from the game he loves.
Following the scrutiny that came with that night, I thought to myself: ‘I’m ready to stop playing.’ If that was what it was going to take for me not to have to deal with the scrutiny, that was what I thought I would have to do. If that was what it was going to take for me to feel normal again …
Sometimes, I just wish that I could have a normal life. It’s probably selfish and unfair of me, but sometimes I wish I didn’t play rugby league. I wish I’d done something else. I wish I’d been successful at something that didn’t require me to be under pressure all the time. That’s what it feels like to me. A constant pressure to be on my best behaviour. Like I’m at boarding school and I’m being threatened with the strap. I feel caged sometimes.
Imagine working in an office, where everyone watched what you do all day. All eyes on you for a day, a week, a month.
My life is under a microscope. It feels like I am constantly being watched, like there is a satellite camera on me. Again, I am probably being selfish, but has it been worth it? Has it been worth the pressure? Has it been worth sacrificing a normal family life?
I don’t get enough time to spend with my family, and the time I do get, it’s difficult to put to good use. I feel like I’ve neglected some of my family. I can’t be the person they want me to be. Some of them may be let down by me, by the fact that I can’t spend the time with them that I ought to. I feel terrible that I haven’t kept in touch with some of my family. Some, I might see only once a year. We used to be so close and I feel like I’ve pushed some of them away from me.
The worst part about this game is it has made me go into my shell, and make me just want to be by myself. I will get home from training and I will not want to see anyone. I won’t want anyone to see me. At home, by myself, is the only time I don’t feel pressure. I know I can trust myself.
There have been times I have sat in my room and cried about all this. Not just once or twice, but a dozen times. What can I do? There is nothing I can do. How can I live a normal life? I’m expected to do just that, by everyone: the media, the NRL, the fans. What life do I have? Football players don’t get the chance to have a life away from the sport. If they do, it’s frowned upon. What is normal? I ask myself that every day.
Sometimes, I have felt that I am lost, that I’m not sure of my purpose. All I want to do is play rugby league. All the stuff that comes with it is not enjoyable, so why am I playing? There have been three or four occasions when I’ve considered giving the game away as a result. Everything was going quite well at the time, but I just knew I had no life.
The scrutiny is intense and the rumours are regularly incorrect. There always seems to be speculation that Robbie Farah and I do not get on and that we clash. We came through the squad at about the same time. I can honestly say there has never been anyone at the Tigers that I haven’t gotten along with.
I’ve been and stayed good friends with most of the players I’ve come across. Those rumours get to me. We all have our moments. Robbie is the type of person who won’t talk to anyone if Liverpool loses. But we are good mates, and I’m close with all my teammates. It’s difficult to say this categorically, not having played with any other club, but I really believe there could not be a closer group of players in the competition than the Tigers.
Sometimes, the rumours get really personal. I do not know how the rumour emerged this year about me sleeping with Liam Fulton’s wife, and that Bryce Gibbs and I had had a fight, but it was disgraceful. We first heard about it when Keith Galloway said to us at training: ‘My brother’s just rung me and asked if there was a fight at training between Bryce and Benji.’ Keith told him there hadn’t been. ‘Well, apparently, Benji’s been having an affair with Liam’s wife, Bryce took offence to it and bashed him at training,’ his brother said. We all thought it was a joke. We were laughing about it. There were people who were claiming: ‘I was there, I saw the fight.’ There was no fight at training. Next thing I knew, there was a vague story about it on the news; that there had been a scuffle at training. I phoned Liam and said: ‘What’s going on?’ It began to spiral out of control.
The worst part was, people were actually saying to me: ‘Is it true?’ I got pretty cranky at a lot of my mates for asking me that question. Anyone who knows me should realise I would never do that.
The irony was, with Bryce and Liam’s futures at the club up in the air at the time, I was fighting for them, backing them up. Bryce made his debut just after mine; we had all come through around the same time. It just poured petrol on the fire. There always seem to be people wanting to bring you down. But there were other people who were impacted in this case. Our families were dragged into it. I explained it to my girlfriend. I have always been very loyal to all my friends. I would never do something like that. I sat down with Liam at one stage. He actually said he felt sorry for me.
Funnily enough, the one thing that stopped me from quitting was my teammates. I didn’t want to let them down. I know I am playing for them, but I don’t feel like I am playing for myself. I’m playing to give my family a good life, but what’s it giving me? I don’t feel like my life is, well, fun. I still get the same thoughts on occasions, about giving it away. I know I won’t, because I don’t want to let anyone down. I feel like I’m strong enough to get through those hard times, but I just feel like if it keeps building up … I’m going to explode. It’s a constant in my head, pumping and pumping.
Sometimes, in games, I will be frustrated, and I will make rash decisions. Tim [Sheens] will see it and ask, ‘What’s wrong?’ I can’t explain it to him, why I am so frustrated. I can’t explain it to anyone else. The moment you show vulnerability, people will take advantage. My family looks up to me. I am strong, but I’m human too. There are things that hurt me as well. I’m not superhuman.
I feel like I should be normal, but I don’t feel normal. I don’t feel famous, and I don’t prance around thinking I’m famous. What am I? Who am I? That, not even I can answer. People say: ‘I’d love your life, it’s so easy.’ I’m here to say it’s not. I would love anybody to swap shoes with me for a week, and maybe understand what it is like, to be under pressure every day. I do not wish for any sympathy; this is no cry for help. Don’t get me wrong. I am fortunate, and I’m grateful for the talent I was given. But talent only goes so far. It’s the hard work that takes you further. And it is hard work.
I know there will be people who will criticise me for saying all this. My purpose for doing so? I am simply trying to explain what it is like to be me. I am trying to explain what I feel. That is the point of this, surely. People are entitled to their opinion and they can criticise me for being honest. What I am trying to say is that my life is not the glitz and glamour that many would think. Mine is not the easiest life.
I am blessed, certainly. I get paid to do something I love doing. And I get paid well. But I will be paid that much for a limited time. For what? To ruin my body? To have four shoulder reconstructions? To need a shoulder replacement by the time I’m 40 years old? We, footballers, are destroying our bodies. Head knocks, concussions … if people wish to criticise, they can. But until someone lives it, they cannot understand.
I just yearn for the time when people can. Not having a father never bothered me, because I had so many. But I have been through so many life experiences … I always thought I could write a book.
Benji Marshall: My Game, My Story, by Herald journalist Glenn Jackson, published by Hachette Australia. Recommended retail price: $35
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Hope this helps people understand what these guys actually go through everyday of their career
The pressures on Benji must be enormous Not just with his playing career but all of his extra curricular activities with his Family obligations ,fund raisng etc
Benji you are a champion mate Just stick with the Tigers and we will look after you mate :slight_smile: -
Some may critisise Benji over something like this, but id hate to be in his position. I would hate to be famous. The thought of walking into a room and everyone knowing who u are, everyone looking, it would destroy me.
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We here are part of the problem.
Ive seen it first hand at games, pressos, saw it recently on TV with hayne getting harrassed
I dont know how people can walk up to players like they know them, even though theyve never met, its always made me feel uncomfortable…
I understand a bit where he comes from…a bloke at work is a multi multi, yet wouldnt look out of place on the bus to Granville.
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Benji I’m a huge fan of yours, I think you are a great guy and respect the work you have done off the field.
But welcome to life, yes it’s hard being in the spotlight 24/7 but we all have these challenges - ask anyone who isn’t sure how they are going to pay the rent or put food on the table for their children next week.
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Benji I’m a huge fan of yours, I think you are a great guy and respect the work you have done off the field.
But welcome to life, yes it’s hard being in the spotlight 24/7 but we all have these challenges - ask anyone who isn’t sure how they are going to pay the rent or put food on the table for their children next week.
I suppose at least Australians understand people who may be struggling with the bills, and are given some help. That’s why we have some of the best social security in the world.
I’m glad Benji put a spotlight onto what it feels like to be a leaguie. With the scrutiny these days, they are basically throwing away their whole 20s. Imagine not being able to head out and have fun with your mates when you were 18, right through to 30. These guys do get paid well, but they sacrifice a large chunk of their life and their future health.
I read an article that Benji won’t be even able to play golf when he is older because of his injuries. Its not easy.
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Remember a few months ago a thread about someone leaving the game and i don’t mean going to union.
I hinted strongly it was Benji and no one believed me, well there you go. I am surprised after the maccas incident he didn’t walk and i applaud him for staying and playing the way he did this year which in my opinion was his most consistent season of his career so far. Imagine the pressure world famous people are under i mean Benji could go to 90% of country’s in the world and go wherever he wanted and no one would recognise him. He can escape but i suppose he doesn’t have all that much time to get away.
