Aladinsane
New member
@Mrs T said:
It's no excuse Mrs T…..otherwise I wouldn't post this one... :wink:
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What’s the difference between Iron man and Iron woman?
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a simple instruction.
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Jokes,Jokes & More Jokes
- Thread starter Aladinsane
- Start date
It's no excuse Mrs T…..otherwise I wouldn't post this one... :wink:
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What’s the difference between Iron man and Iron woman?
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a simple instruction.
@Aladinsane said:@Mrs T said:That "insane" excuse is wearing a bit thin! :laughing:
It's no excuse Mrs T…..otherwise I wouldn't post this one... :wink:
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What’s the difference between Iron man and Iron woman?
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a simple instruction.
Anyone saying "iron woman" in my house better start running, fast! :laughing:
Aladinsane
New member
**Doctor's Office and a SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST**
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
Don't you wish sometimes you can come up with great comeback lines like that :stuck_out_tongue:
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
Don't you wish sometimes you can come up with great comeback lines like that :stuck_out_tongue:
Aladinsane
New member
**Which Airline does she work for**
A man was sitting in the bar at Mascot Terminal and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous - she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for. "
"I still call Australia home," he says to her.
She pulled away from him and gave an ice-cold glare.
"Obviously not with QANTAS, " he thought.
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan, "Love to fly and it shows.."
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head, so he leaned towards her again and said, "Something special in the air."
She gave him the same confused look, and he mentally kicked himself, while scratching Singapore Airlines off the list.
He thought, "Perhaps she works for Thai
Airways…" and said, "Smooth as silk."
This time, the woman turned on him and said, "What the f*ck do you want ?"
The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said, "Ahhhhh, Jetstar !!"
A man was sitting in the bar at Mascot Terminal and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous - she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for. "
"I still call Australia home," he says to her.
She pulled away from him and gave an ice-cold glare.
"Obviously not with QANTAS, " he thought.
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan, "Love to fly and it shows.."
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head, so he leaned towards her again and said, "Something special in the air."
She gave him the same confused look, and he mentally kicked himself, while scratching Singapore Airlines off the list.
He thought, "Perhaps she works for Thai
Airways…" and said, "Smooth as silk."
This time, the woman turned on him and said, "What the f*ck do you want ?"
The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said, "Ahhhhh, Jetstar !!"
Aladinsane
New member
**A Wise Old Jewish man**
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Fishbien," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray fo for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f****** brick wall."
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Fishbien," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray fo for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f****** brick wall."
Aladinsane
New member
**Not Welcome in Church**
A young couple wanted to join the church, the priest told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.. When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.
'You are back so soon…Is there a problem?' the priest inquired.
'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly
The priest asked him what happened.
'Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.
One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.
The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'
'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Bunnings, either.'
A young couple wanted to join the church, the priest told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.. When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.
'You are back so soon…Is there a problem?' the priest inquired.
'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly
The priest asked him what happened.
'Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.
One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.
The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'
'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Bunnings, either.'
Aladinsane
New member
Poor Bob!
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
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His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
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The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling club.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a beer.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink that beer?'
'I recognise her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have that beer at the end of the 1st nine holes.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
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'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real [This word has been automatically removed] this time.'
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
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His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
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The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling club.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a beer.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink that beer?'
'I recognise her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have that beer at the end of the 1st nine holes.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
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'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real [This word has been automatically removed] this time.'
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to
put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him…
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
'Let's go to my apartment,... I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and
solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the
best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered . 'Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me.'
put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him…
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
'Let's go to my apartment,... I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and
solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the
best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered . 'Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me.'
Aladinsane
New member
#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
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#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
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#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes, you miss the ball much closer now."
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#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
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#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so, that would be too much of a coincidence."
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#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too
much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
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#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, but personally, I prefer golf."
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#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."
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#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
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#1 Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
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And the old favorite…..is the one about the Golfer who has been
slicing off the tee at every hole. He finally gives up and asks his long
suffering caddy if he has seen any obvious problems to which the caddy
replies,
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"There's a piece of shit on the end of your club."
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The Golfer picks his club up and cleans the club face at which point
the caddy says, "No, the other end."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
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#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
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#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes, you miss the ball much closer now."
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#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
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#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so, that would be too much of a coincidence."
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#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too
much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
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#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, but personally, I prefer golf."
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#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."
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#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
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#1 Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
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And the old favorite…..is the one about the Golfer who has been
slicing off the tee at every hole. He finally gives up and asks his long
suffering caddy if he has seen any obvious problems to which the caddy
replies,
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"There's a piece of shit on the end of your club."
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The Golfer picks his club up and cleans the club face at which point
the caddy says, "No, the other end."
Marshall_magic
New member
Michael Ennis came down with the flu at Bulldogs training today, the only way to cure it was eating potatoes. As he was too sick to got himself, he gave his captain Andrew Ryan some money and told him to drive down to the grocer and buy him a sack of potatoes.
When Andrew Ryan got to the grocer, he asked him, "Can I get a sack of potatoes for Michael Ennis?"
The grocer replied, "Yeah, that seems like a good deal to me."
When Andrew Ryan got to the grocer, he asked him, "Can I get a sack of potatoes for Michael Ennis?"
The grocer replied, "Yeah, that seems like a good deal to me."
Aladinsane
New member
**Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman**
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town
one afternoon enjoying the sunshine.
As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most
beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering this one!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya go?"
"I won First Place!," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see another sign: "Contest for the
strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"I won First Place, too," answers Superman. "Did you ever have a doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a third sign: "Contest! Who is the
greatest liar in the whole world?"
Pinocchio quickly enters this contest. After half an hour he returns with
tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Julia Gillard?" asked Pinocchio. "She won easily!"
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town
one afternoon enjoying the sunshine.
As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most
beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering this one!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya go?"
"I won First Place!," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see another sign: "Contest for the
strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"I won First Place, too," answers Superman. "Did you ever have a doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a third sign: "Contest! Who is the
greatest liar in the whole world?"
Pinocchio quickly enters this contest. After half an hour he returns with
tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Julia Gillard?" asked Pinocchio. "She won easily!"
Aladinsane
New member
**Me and My Monkey**
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.
Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what did he do?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table… Whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to s**t that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Here's a great Robbie Williams song.....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZB66fa5qm34&feature=related
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.
Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what did he do?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table… Whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to s**t that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Here's a great Robbie Williams song.....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZB66fa5qm34&feature=related
happy_tiger
Well-known member
Thanks 4 the laughs everyone had a good giggle
Aladinsane
New member
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.
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His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
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When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
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The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money? The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "where's the money?"
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Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido signs back, "OK.! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
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Don't you just LOVE Italian lawyers
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His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
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When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
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The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money? The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "where's the money?"
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Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido signs back, "OK.! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
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Don't you just LOVE Italian lawyers
Aladinsane
New member
BEE STING
A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf
When she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return
To the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and
Asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'
'I was stung by a bee', she said.
'Where', he asked.
'Between the first and second hole', she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said,
'Then your stance is too wide.'
A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf
When she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return
To the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and
Asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'
'I was stung by a bee', she said.
'Where', he asked.
'Between the first and second hole', she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said,
'Then your stance is too wide.'
Aladinsane
New member
**THE FIRST OLYMPICS JOKE**
It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but
they haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm
and walks to the gate.
" McTavish , Scotland " he says, "Discus" and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it
over his shoulder.
" Waddington-Smythe , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he
walks.
The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and
tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."
________________________________________
It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but
they haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm
and walks to the gate.
" McTavish , Scotland " he says, "Discus" and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it
over his shoulder.
" Waddington-Smythe , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he
walks.
The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and
tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."
________________________________________
happy_tiger
Well-known member
Have you heard what song Elton John is going to sing at Osamas funeral "Sandles in the Bin"
A
alien
Guest
@happy tiger said:Have you heard what song Elton John is going to sing at Osamas funeral "Sandles in the Bin"
i heard sponge bob square pants, patrick starfish & squidward are annoyed at the navy SEALs for dropping that pathetic piece of rubbish in the body bag on their town
Saturnalia
Well-known member
A black guy, a rapist and a homophobe walk into a bar
and everyone says
"Can I have you autograph Kobe?"
Ten Ways That Handguns Are Better Than A Woman
#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s
#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.
#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And The Number One Way That A Handgun Is Better Than A Woman…
#1 - You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
And one more for the night
Cooter and Gomer.
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over..'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'
and everyone says
"Can I have you autograph Kobe?"
Ten Ways That Handguns Are Better Than A Woman
#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s
#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.
#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And The Number One Way That A Handgun Is Better Than A Woman…
#1 - You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
And one more for the night
Cooter and Gomer.
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over..'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'
