Jokes,Jokes & More Jokes

**Thirsty man in pub**

Late at night this guy runs into a pub and gets a glass of water from
the bartender.

The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass.
Six glasses later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he
croaks.

"That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the bartender.
The guy says, "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the
woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there
and do it all again, but I can't."

"Where's your car?" the bartender asks.

"At the roadside," the guy gasps.

"Tell you what," says the bartender, "you watch the bar for me while I go
out and take your place."

"Be my guest, the broad's a nympo. She'll do anybody."

So the bartender goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so
the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. They get right down
to it, humping away. Five minutes later there's a knock on the window.
It's a cop and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple.

"What's going on here?" he asks.

"It's all right, officer," explains the bartender. "She's my wife."

"Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize…"

"Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."
 
**The Irish Vasectomy**

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided enough was
enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife
didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy but it was
expensive.
He explained a less costly alternative was to go home, get a large
fire-cracker, light it, put it in a beer can,
then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, 'B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy
in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next
to my ear is going to help me with my problem.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,'
at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he
could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand , Tasmania and several suburbs
in Brisbane .
 
Carl Williams Dad visited him the day he died and said "gee, your getting fat mate. Exercise bike wouldn't kill you"

–----------------------

Before Carl Williams dies, he had invented a new rowing machine because he said exercise bikes did his head in.
 
**Condom factory burns down in New Zealand:**
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Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

Hillen, its the hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergincy!! I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground. It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.

PM: Shut !! The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. W' ill be ruined.

Hilth Munister: We're going to hef to shup some in from Brutain?

PM: No chence. The Poms will have a field day on thus one.

Hilth Munister: What about Australia?

PM: I'll call Kivin Rudd. Tell hum we need one million condoms, ten enches long and eight enches thuck.

That way they'll continue to respect the "all blacks".

Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes that arrived at the Pist Office.

She finds one million condoms. 10 enches long, 8 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one.

MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM
 
**The Best person to operate on**

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating
table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians!
Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at
the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all
wrong. Kevin Rudd is the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two
moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are
interchangeable'
 
**Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:-**

1\. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?

2\. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

3\. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4\. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5\. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6\. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7\. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8\. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9\. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10\. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11\. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12\. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13\. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14\. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

15\. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
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16\. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while
they deliver the mail?

17\. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18\. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19\. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20\. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

22\. OK … so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make
the Tennessee Titans?

23\. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one
enjoys it?
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24\. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when
you send it by sea it is called cargo?

25\. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365
days a year, why are there locks on the door?
 
Little Johnny was in the playground with his friends. He cut his thumb on a thorn, which got stuck, so he went to the school nurse to get it fixed up.

"Well I'll just pull it out and you'll be fine Johnny" the nurse says.

"Aren't you going to soak it in cider?" Johnny asked.

"Why would I do that?" The nurse asks back.

"My sister does it all the time," Johnny answers.

"Really?" the nurse asks.

"Yeah," said Johnny, "Her friends always say whenever she gets a prick in her hand she always puts it in cider"
 
**Calls from Hell**
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John Howard, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The
devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so
Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she
is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so
she writes him a check.

Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Howard
got to call Australia so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Rudd took over, the country has
gone to hell, so it's a local call.
 
@aladinsane said:
**calls from hell**
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john howard, queen elizabeth, and vladimir putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The
devil tells them it is for calling back to earth.

Putin asks to call russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so
putin writes him a check.

Next queen elizabeth calls england and talks for 30 minutes. When she
is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so
she writes him a check.

Finally john howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why howard
got to call australia so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "since rudd took over, the country has
gone to hell, so it's a local call.
Click to expand...

hahaha
 
Q - why do crocodiles do a death roll??

A = after 40 000 years of eating the locals they have learned to wash their food first
 
**What's in a name**

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
Mothers and their small children. You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too
shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy
by the hand and whispered, 'come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's
talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home'.
 
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but
halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.
He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is
developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach
our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get
him in the course.'
So … his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy
calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this.
They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the
animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that
program?'
'Just send $4,500\. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the
year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his
father is all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read
something!'
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before
we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the
recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me
and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead
barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he
talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

-----------------------------------------------

GOD AND THE BIKER

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when
suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming
voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful
to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
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The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I
want'.
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The Lord said, 'That request is materialistic, think of
the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports
required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and
steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural
resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for
worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could
possibly help mankind.'
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The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'Okay, I wish that I, and all men, could
understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's
wrong', and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

And the Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on
that bridge?
----------------------------------------------
 
FOX NEWS BOWS TO THE PRESSURE>>>In response to President Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show enough Black and Hispanic people on their network.

FOX has announced that they will now air " America 's Most Wanted" TWICE a week..
 
@Aladinsane said:
**Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:-**

11\. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Click to expand...

I can just picture Richie Benaud saying the score is two for twoty two…
 
Wife asks husband,
"How many women have you slept with?"

Husband proudly replies,
"Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."

Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 am to 4 PM
 
and the blonde says,
"What a Great chest you have!'
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He tells her,
'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,'
"What massive calves you have!'
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The body builder tells her,
'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

He then removes his underwear and
the blonde goes running out of the
apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes
back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks why
she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies,
'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite
after I saw how short the fuse was!'
 
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of
tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
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The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping
through photos. They start reminiscing.
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'This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'
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'Yes, I remember him as a baby,' says the other mother cheerfully.
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'He's a martyr now though,' the mother confides.
'Oh, so sad dear,' says the other.
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'And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'
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'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair
when he was born.'
'He's a martyr too,' says the mother quietly. 'Oh, gracious me . . . ,'
says the other.
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'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have
been 18,' she whispers.
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'Yes,' says the friend, 'I remember when he started school.'
'He's a martyr also,' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully
at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . ..
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'They blow up so fast, don't they?'
 
Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.
Husband says ' Oh shut up & stop crying, you're still my sister'
________________________________

My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.

I said, 'You're not friggin' listening'
_____________________________________________

Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
_______________________________________________

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.

I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and sods off
____________________________________________________
 
My wife sat down on the sofa next to me as I was flipping channels. She

asked, "What's on TV?"
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I said, "Dust."
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And then the fight started….
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My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we

were

in

bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
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"No," she answered.
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I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
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She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
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So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
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And then the fight started....
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and

slipped

quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the van, and proceeded

to

back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing at 40 mph, so

I

pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and learned that the

weather would be bad all day.
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I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into

bed.

I

cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and

whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
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My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband

is

out

fishing in that?"
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And that's how the fight started....
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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road

and

slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you

just

get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I

couldn't

believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up

at

me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
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So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
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And then the fight started....
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She

said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3

seconds."
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I bought her a bathroom scale.
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And then the fight started....
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for

Social

Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License

to

verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet

at

home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go

home

and come back later.
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The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing

my

curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof

enough

for me," and she processed my Social Security application.
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When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the

Social

Security office.
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She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten

disability, too."
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And then the fight started....
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept

staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a

nearby

table.
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My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
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"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to

drinking

right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't

been

sober since."
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"My God!" says my wife, "who would think a person could go on

celebrating

that long?"
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And then the fight started....
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my

order

first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
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He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
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"Nah, she can order for herself."
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And then the fight started....
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A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not

happy

with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look

old,

fat

and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
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The husband replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
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And then the fight started
 
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