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Heartbreaking
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<big>**Brave mum reveals heartache of raising daughter after rising NRL star Mosese Fotuaika took his own life**</big>
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[http://www.goldcoastbulletin.com.au/sport/nrl/brave-mum-reveals-heartache-of-raising-daughter-after-rising-nrl-star-mosese-fotuaika-took-his-own-life/story-fnj9yd9w-1226767495408?fb_action_ids=10202667780757294&fb_action_types=og.recommends&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=[202322359952759]&action_type_map=](http://www.goldcoastbulletin.com.au/sport/nrl/brave-mum-reveals-heartache-of-raising-daughter-after-rising-nrl-star-mosese-fotuaika-took-his-own-life/story-fnj9yd9w-1226767495408?fb_action_ids=10202667780757294&fb_action_types=og.recommends&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%5B202322359952759%5D&action_type_map=)[%22og.recommends%22]&action_ref_map=[]
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TAYA Fotuaika may only be five months old but her mother is already preparing for the day she's old enough to raise the subject that haunts them.
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"I'm keeping a little journal of me and Mosese so that if she wants to know everything about her dad, she can," 21-year-old Shanice Alaiasa says of Mosese Fotuaika, the rising rugby league star who never got to meet his daughter after taking his life earlier this year.
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"I've got a little box of his things that she might want to cherish. I don't want her growing up thinking 'Dad' is a taboo word and she can never ask about him.
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"One day I'm going to tell her what happened to her father and I don't want her to hate him for leaving me when she was coming.
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"I'd rather her know him for the kind of person he was than the one decision he made."
Wests Tigers rugby league player Mosese Fotuaika died at his western Sydney home in February. He was on the cusp of a succes…
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Wests Tigers rugby league player Mosese Fotuaika died at his western Sydney home in February. He was on the cusp of a successful NRL career. Pic:: Cameron Spencer/Getty Images Source: News Corp Australia
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In February, having suffered a potentially season-ending pectoral tear while lifting weights in the Wests Tigers gym, 20-year-old Fotuaika returned to the Sydney townhouse he shared with his girlfriend and a teammate. When Shanice returned home, she found him dead.
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A graduate of Keebra Park High's famed rugby league academy, Fotuaika had been on the cusp of playing in the NRL after two seasons in the Tigers' under-20 team.
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Following his death, there was extensive media analysis of the pressures on young sportspeople, the reserved nature of Pacific Islanders, and Fotuaika's possible role supporting his large family.
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His high school sweetheart knows just one thing.
Baby Taya, the daughter of rising Wests Tigers star Mosese Fotuaika, will be raised knowing who her dad was.
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Baby Taya, the daughter of rising Wests Tigers star Mosese Fotuaika, will be raised knowing who her dad was. Source: Supplied
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"No one ever really sees anything like this coming," says Shanice, who had moved to Sydney 14 months earlier to be with her boyfriend.
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"It kills me inside sometimes that I can't find out what he was thinking. I want to scream at him but give him a big cuddle at the same time.
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"When I was packing up the house, I was looking everywhere for a note. I just wanted to find something that said he thought of me or to explain himself.
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"I don't need to justify myself but it also hurts that to this day I still hear people saying he did it because the girlfriend was pregnant and he wasn't happy. That's not true. We knew for weeks and he was the calm one. He was looking forward to it.
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"I want to make sure my daughter never thinks it was because of her. Whatever went on in her dad's head was to do with him."
Shanice Alaiasa and daughter Taya
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Shanice Alaiasa and daughter Taya Source: Supplied
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Shanice describes the weeks following Fotuaika's death as a blur.
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Having only learned of her unplanned pregnancy a month earlier, she was a 20-year-old grappling with two of the most monumental events of her life and, for a period, one didn't seem to matter as much.
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"For a while I kind of forgot I was pregnant," Shanice says.
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"I had devoted myself to Mosese a lot and not having him here I was like 'what do I do?'. It was definitely like I lost a part of me.
Shanice Alaiasa and daughter Taya at the grave of partner and father Mosese Fotuaika, who committed suicide in February 2013
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Shanice Alaiasa and daughter Taya at the grave of partner and father Mosese Fotuaika, who committed suicide in February 2013 Source: Supplied
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"I felt like I had lost a limb but then I had to snap out of it and realise, 'OK, you're having a kid, you need to eat, be healthy and look after your child because that's all Mosese can give you now.'
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"About a month after he passed away I decided I should pick myself up as best I can and look forward to her coming. I think the only time I'd get vulnerable was when it was time to go to sleep. That's when it was hard but during the day I would just surround myself with people and think, 'Please hurry up, child - I need cuddles from someone'."
Shanice Alaiasa and Mosese Fotuaika in happier times.
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Shanice Alaiasa and Mosese Fotuaika in happier times. Source: Supplied
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Those cuddles arrived in July and Mum has not been the only beneficiary. The pair lives at Oxenford with Shanice's parents and siblings. There are weekly trips to Fotuaika's family home at Cleveland. His former Wests Tigers teammates have nursed the child they've christened "Little Mosese".
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Then there are the most sobering visits of all.
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"I took Taya to his grave for the first time when she was about two weeks old," Shanice says.
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"It's quite nice to just sit there but it is sad. It just feels unfair - I know how much he would love this little girl and that just tears me apart.
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"I do reflect that 'I thought you loved me and we had this future together and you did the worst thing possible, not just to me but to a little girl who hadn't done anything to you'. I've come to realise it's a very selfish thing to do but I've decided to be grateful what we did share. It was four good years, lots of laughs, and I got a little baby out of it (laughs).
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"You can be angry but at the end of the day it's not going to change what happened. I just try to look at the positives because I don't want to be one of those people who sits in the corner and hates the world.
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"About two weeks ago one of my close friends asked how I was doing and I said, 'You know what? I'm actually doing really well'. I feel like I'm in a really good place. I'm just focusing on my daughter and trying to be a good mum."
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For crisis support, phone 13 11 14.
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<big>**Brave mum reveals heartache of raising daughter after rising NRL star Mosese Fotuaika took his own life**</big>
>
[http://www.goldcoastbulletin.com.au/sport/nrl/brave-mum-reveals-heartache-of-raising-daughter-after-rising-nrl-star-mosese-fotuaika-took-his-own-life/story-fnj9yd9w-1226767495408?fb_action_ids=10202667780757294&fb_action_types=og.recommends&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=[202322359952759]&action_type_map=](http://www.goldcoastbulletin.com.au/sport/nrl/brave-mum-reveals-heartache-of-raising-daughter-after-rising-nrl-star-mosese-fotuaika-took-his-own-life/story-fnj9yd9w-1226767495408?fb_action_ids=10202667780757294&fb_action_types=og.recommends&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%5B202322359952759%5D&action_type_map=)[%22og.recommends%22]&action_ref_map=[]
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TAYA Fotuaika may only be five months old but her mother is already preparing for the day she's old enough to raise the subject that haunts them.
>
"I'm keeping a little journal of me and Mosese so that if she wants to know everything about her dad, she can," 21-year-old Shanice Alaiasa says of Mosese Fotuaika, the rising rugby league star who never got to meet his daughter after taking his life earlier this year.
>
"I've got a little box of his things that she might want to cherish. I don't want her growing up thinking 'Dad' is a taboo word and she can never ask about him.
>
"One day I'm going to tell her what happened to her father and I don't want her to hate him for leaving me when she was coming.
>
"I'd rather her know him for the kind of person he was than the one decision he made."
Wests Tigers rugby league player Mosese Fotuaika died at his western Sydney home in February. He was on the cusp of a succes…
>
Wests Tigers rugby league player Mosese Fotuaika died at his western Sydney home in February. He was on the cusp of a successful NRL career. Pic:: Cameron Spencer/Getty Images Source: News Corp Australia
>
>
>
In February, having suffered a potentially season-ending pectoral tear while lifting weights in the Wests Tigers gym, 20-year-old Fotuaika returned to the Sydney townhouse he shared with his girlfriend and a teammate. When Shanice returned home, she found him dead.
>
A graduate of Keebra Park High's famed rugby league academy, Fotuaika had been on the cusp of playing in the NRL after two seasons in the Tigers' under-20 team.
>
Following his death, there was extensive media analysis of the pressures on young sportspeople, the reserved nature of Pacific Islanders, and Fotuaika's possible role supporting his large family.
>
His high school sweetheart knows just one thing.
Baby Taya, the daughter of rising Wests Tigers star Mosese Fotuaika, will be raised knowing who her dad was.
>
Baby Taya, the daughter of rising Wests Tigers star Mosese Fotuaika, will be raised knowing who her dad was. Source: Supplied
>
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>
"No one ever really sees anything like this coming," says Shanice, who had moved to Sydney 14 months earlier to be with her boyfriend.
>
"It kills me inside sometimes that I can't find out what he was thinking. I want to scream at him but give him a big cuddle at the same time.
>
"When I was packing up the house, I was looking everywhere for a note. I just wanted to find something that said he thought of me or to explain himself.
>
"I don't need to justify myself but it also hurts that to this day I still hear people saying he did it because the girlfriend was pregnant and he wasn't happy. That's not true. We knew for weeks and he was the calm one. He was looking forward to it.
>
"I want to make sure my daughter never thinks it was because of her. Whatever went on in her dad's head was to do with him."
Shanice Alaiasa and daughter Taya
>
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Shanice Alaiasa and daughter Taya Source: Supplied
>
Shanice describes the weeks following Fotuaika's death as a blur.
>
Having only learned of her unplanned pregnancy a month earlier, she was a 20-year-old grappling with two of the most monumental events of her life and, for a period, one didn't seem to matter as much.
>
"For a while I kind of forgot I was pregnant," Shanice says.
>
"I had devoted myself to Mosese a lot and not having him here I was like 'what do I do?'. It was definitely like I lost a part of me.
Shanice Alaiasa and daughter Taya at the grave of partner and father Mosese Fotuaika, who committed suicide in February 2013
>
Shanice Alaiasa and daughter Taya at the grave of partner and father Mosese Fotuaika, who committed suicide in February 2013 Source: Supplied
>
>
>
"I felt like I had lost a limb but then I had to snap out of it and realise, 'OK, you're having a kid, you need to eat, be healthy and look after your child because that's all Mosese can give you now.'
>
"About a month after he passed away I decided I should pick myself up as best I can and look forward to her coming. I think the only time I'd get vulnerable was when it was time to go to sleep. That's when it was hard but during the day I would just surround myself with people and think, 'Please hurry up, child - I need cuddles from someone'."
Shanice Alaiasa and Mosese Fotuaika in happier times.
>
>
>
>
Shanice Alaiasa and Mosese Fotuaika in happier times. Source: Supplied
>
Those cuddles arrived in July and Mum has not been the only beneficiary. The pair lives at Oxenford with Shanice's parents and siblings. There are weekly trips to Fotuaika's family home at Cleveland. His former Wests Tigers teammates have nursed the child they've christened "Little Mosese".
>
Then there are the most sobering visits of all.
>
"I took Taya to his grave for the first time when she was about two weeks old," Shanice says.
>
"It's quite nice to just sit there but it is sad. It just feels unfair - I know how much he would love this little girl and that just tears me apart.
>
"I do reflect that 'I thought you loved me and we had this future together and you did the worst thing possible, not just to me but to a little girl who hadn't done anything to you'. I've come to realise it's a very selfish thing to do but I've decided to be grateful what we did share. It was four good years, lots of laughs, and I got a little baby out of it (laughs).
>
"You can be angry but at the end of the day it's not going to change what happened. I just try to look at the positives because I don't want to be one of those people who sits in the corner and hates the world.
>
"About two weeks ago one of my close friends asked how I was doing and I said, 'You know what? I'm actually doing really well'. I feel like I'm in a really good place. I'm just focusing on my daughter and trying to be a good mum."
>
For crisis support, phone 13 11 14.
