Jokes~Keep Em Clean

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. "What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,"For God's sake, you a**hole…it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
 
The police were waiting outside the pub on a Friday Night. There was close to 100 cars outside so they throught they could get someone drink driving. Just after midnight a man came staggering out. He was tripping over his own feet and everything, clearly off his face. The police knew they could get him, so they waited for him to come out. As he tried to unlock his car he dropped his keys, and started fumbling them around on the ground. As this happened a few other people started to leave. He eventually got into his car and dropped his keys again and took a while to pick them up, as even more people left. He eventually started his car and appearred to get lost in the car park. As this happened even more people left the pub. Just as he got out of the car park, the last people had left the pub. The police pulled him over and breathalised him.

"zero, this can't be right, you could barely even stand up before" the policeman said

"I know said the man, I was the designated decoy" the man replied.
 
An Aussie, a Kiwi, and a South African are at a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, takes off his diamond encrusted watch, pulls out a gun shoots the watch to pieces. He says "In South Afrika we have soo many diamonds that we don't need to wear the same diamond twice."

The Kiwi (obviously impressed by this) than drinks his beer, throw his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "Well mate, in New Zealand we have soo much sand to make the glass that we don't need to drink out of the same cup twice ay."

The Australian then pulls out his gun and shoots the Kiwi and South African. He than lookds to the bartender and says "In Australia, there are soo many South Africans and Kiwis you don't have to drink with them twice.
 
not so much a joke but

Nikki webster music DVD - $15

tub of vaseline - $4

Box of kleenex tissues -$2

the Look on the cashiers face as i left big W - Priceless
 
@anderson silva said:
not so much a joke but

Nikki webster music DVD - $15

tub of vaseline - $4

Box of kleenex tissues -$2

the Look on the cashiers face as i left big W - Priceless
Click to expand...

:laughing: Id give you that look just based on the Nikki Webster DVD alone.
 
@Jazza said:
@anderson silva said:
not so much a joke but

Nikki webster music DVD - $15

tub of vaseline - $4

Box of kleenex tissues -$2

the Look on the cashiers face as i left big W - Priceless

:laughing: Id give you that look just based on the Nikki Webster DVD alone.
Click to expand...
Click to expand...

:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: Me too!
 
Understand that if anyone pushes the limits of the rules in this thread, you will be instantly banned
if you have a problem with this then don't post the joke
 
@Magpie69 said:
i guess you are referring to me
Click to expand...

not specifically, but this thread could get out of hand very easily
 
My favourite dumb joke:

Two elephants fell off a cliff

BOOM BOOM!
 
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