TheDaBoss
Well-known member
Who ever stole my glasses i will find you!
I have my contacts
I have my contacts
Things that make you laugh!! 😂
- Thread starter Tigerlily
- Start date
Cairnstigers
New member
What's the difference between a Roosters and a Hooker
A rooster says "cock a doodle do"
A Hooker says "any cockle do"
A rooster says "cock a doodle do"
A Hooker says "any cockle do"
Cairnstigers
New member
A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
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The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself
The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
Â
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself
TheDaBoss
Well-known member
A man walks into a mechanic shop and asks is he cam get some spark plugs for his kia
The mechanic nods and says that a fair trade
The mechanic nods and says that a fair trade
Cairnstigers
New member
So there was this man named Happy who drove trains for a living.
He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
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Well, at the time, there was an old law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so Happy was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, Happy requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and Happy was once again unharmed.
Â
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so Happy once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
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"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but Happy was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
Happy looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor
😉
He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Â
Well, at the time, there was an old law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so Happy was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, Happy requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and Happy was once again unharmed.
Â
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so Happy once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
Â
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but Happy was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
Happy looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor
😉
Cairnstigers
New member
GEO walks through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store.
He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the sales person, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump, who is a convicted Rapist and Felon's foreign policies with Mexico?"
The sales person replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" GEO replies, "Yeah, that's the one
He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the sales person, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump, who is a convicted Rapist and Felon's foreign policies with Mexico?"
The sales person replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" GEO replies, "Yeah, that's the one
Cairnstigers
New member
A Mormon and an Tiger Steve are on a plane.
The Mormon was seated next to Tiger Steve on a flight from Sydney to the US.
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After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. Tiger Steve asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
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Tiger Steve then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice
The Mormon was seated next to Tiger Steve on a flight from Sydney to the US.
Â
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. Tiger Steve asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
Â
Tiger Steve then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice
Cairnstigers
New member
The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI.
In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not like we have any better ideas." The next day, an American soldier called out, "Hans!?" A German popped up and shouted back, "Ja?!" Boom, the German was shot dead. The next day the Americans shouted again, "Hans?!" "Ja?!" Shot dead. This process continued over the next couple of days. The Germans were losing large numbers, and were now finally catching on.
The Germans had an emergency meeting. They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans. Thus, a German asked, "What is a popular American name?" "John!" replied another. The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan. A German shouted, "John!?" An American called back, "Is that you Hans?!" "Ja!" And that is how the Americans won WWI
In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not like we have any better ideas." The next day, an American soldier called out, "Hans!?" A German popped up and shouted back, "Ja?!" Boom, the German was shot dead. The next day the Americans shouted again, "Hans?!" "Ja?!" Shot dead. This process continued over the next couple of days. The Germans were losing large numbers, and were now finally catching on.
The Germans had an emergency meeting. They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans. Thus, a German asked, "What is a popular American name?" "John!" replied another. The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan. A German shouted, "John!?" An American called back, "Is that you Hans?!" "Ja!" And that is how the Americans won WWI
Cairnstigers
New member
A ship wrecks onto a deserted island.
Jirskyr, Hobbo1and a hot girl survive. Since they don't have anything to do all day besides eating and sleeping, they just have sex all day and night. Eventually the girl gets sick and dies. Jirskyr and Hobbo1 don't know what to do with themselves anymore, so they keep having sex.
After a few days of sex, they feel guilty about what they've been doing... so they bury her
No offence guys
Just needed a couple of names
Jirskyr, Hobbo1and a hot girl survive. Since they don't have anything to do all day besides eating and sleeping, they just have sex all day and night. Eventually the girl gets sick and dies. Jirskyr and Hobbo1 don't know what to do with themselves anymore, so they keep having sex.
After a few days of sex, they feel guilty about what they've been doing... so they bury her
No offence guys
Just needed a couple of names
Tiger_Steve
New member
TheDaBoss
Well-known member
Whats Pink and Fluffy
A Pink Fluff
A Pink Fluff
@Tiger_Steve said in [Dad Humour](/post/1112448) said:
I don't get it
TheDaBoss
Well-known member
Im developing a Perfume for Introverts
ITs called FU Cologne
ITs called FU Cologne
@Demps said in [Dad Humour](/post/1112825) said:
The Aussie wife beat the crap out of him...
What's a Piecost...?
Bloody $5.50 with sauce these days..
Bloody $5.50 with sauce these days..
TheDaBoss
Well-known member
To teach kids about democracy i let them vote on dinner
They picked pizza. Then i made tacos cause they dont live in a swing state
They picked pizza. Then i made tacos cause they dont live in a swing state
gallagher
Well-known member
@TheDaBoss said in [Dad Humour](/post/1112819) said:
What's brown and sticky?
Harvey
Well-known member
@gallagher said in [Dad Humour](/post/1113303) said:
A brown stick??
gallagher
Well-known member
@Harvey said in [Dad Humour](/post/1113330) said:
Yup ?
