Things that make you laugh!! 😂

My wife came home unexpectedly early from work and found me in bed with a beautiful young women. Shocked and angry at her discovery I requested a moment to explain myself.

I told her that it was my rostered day off work and I was driving home this morning from the gym when I noticed this young lady standing on the side of the road in the pouring rain looking bedraggled and lost. I pulled over and ask her if she was OK and she burst into tears given she is homeless and depressed so I felt sorry for her and offered her a lift home to dry off and have something to eat.

Upon arriving at home I gave the young lady something to eat and then said she could have a shower. After her shower I noticed her clothes were dirty, soiled and worn out so I offered her some of your sexy underwear to put on as you never use it and also one of your sexy dresses as you never use these anymore. On her way out the door the young lady then asked me if there was anything else that my wife never uses and here we are.
 
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I got the craving for a McDonald's Big Mac about a week ago and went to our local McDonalds drive-through.
The girl who took my order at the window was, much to my surprise, wearing a full-on black Burqa. The only thing I could see of her was her eyes. I went on and collected my order, still slightly amused by the girl in the 'batman outfit'.
Last night, I thought that I'd give Hungry Jacks a go, so off I went to the Hungry Jacks drive-through. You won't believe what I was confronted with.
If you guessed that it was a girl with the full, wraparound burqa, with just the eyes peering out at me, you're correct, except this time, the Burqa was a soft, pastel type pink colour and not black.
The funny part was, I noticed a small blemish over her right eye. The McDonalds girl had the same mark. I was convinced that this was the same girl I'd encountered a week ago when I heard her voice.
"Didn't you work at McDonalds before?" I asked her.
"Yes" she replied as she looked me straight in the eyes.
"Why did you leave?" I asked.
She replied,"Because the Burqa's are better at Hungry Jacks!"
 
Some time in the future...

Ireland had just won the football World Cup. Their hero was goalkeeper Paddy O'Leary who had made four miraculous saves in the game.

The team celebrated hard at their local and near midnight, Paddy was staggering his way home.

He turned a corner and saw a 10 storey apartment building on fire. All emergency services were there. As the flames swept upwards a woman was screaming from the top floor, "Help! Help!"

She was holding a baby out the window but the fire truck's ladder was a storey too short.

A fireman recognised Paddy. "Great game today Paddy, you're a hero".

The fireman then had an idea. "Paddy, if the lady throws the baby from the window, could you catch it?"

Paddy looked at the scene and said, "Yeah, I reckon I could".

The fireman shouted to the woman, "Paddy O'Leary is here and if you throw the baby he says he can catch it".

The woman recognised Paddy and yelled, "Great game Paddy!"

"Throw the baby! Throw the baby!" yelled the fireman.

The woman threw her baby. Paddy never took his eyes off the little bundle. It swirled in the breeze. Paddy ducked around an ambulance, dived under a police car and caught the baby's head inches above the footpath.

The crowd went beserk, chanting Paddy's name.

Paddy stood up, acknowledged the crowd, bounced the baby twice and kicked it 50 metres.
 
Sorry, another longish one...

In the back roads of the Mitta Valley (banjos can be heard in the distance), Jim, an international pilot bought a 20 acre property. He was looking to retire soon, but for now he spent most of his time overseas.

Although they'd never, met his neighbour Col was intrigued. Sometimes Col saw a car in the driveway but mostly there was no one home. And he had never met him, had no idea who his neighbour was.

Then one week Col's neighbour's car was there all week. He decided to knock on the door and find out who this stranger was.

"Knock, knock , knock."

Jim opened the door and looked at a toothless grin.

"Hi," said Col. "I've see that you're living next door to me but you're never home?"

"Yeah" said Jim. "I've decided to retire and make this place my home. Finished up last week."

Col said, "Well if you'd like to come to my place on Friday night for a party you're welcome. Might be a way to meet the locals?"

"That would be great. I'd like to meet some people" said Jim.

Col said, "Good. One thing though, there's always lots of bad language at these nights."

Jim said, "Mate, I can handle bad language. That won't be a problem,"

Col stopped and said, "Well, there's usually a bit of fighting as well. It gets a bit rough?"

Jim looked at him and said, "Mate, I was a boxer at school and I think I can handle myself. I'm really looking forward to the party."

"One more thing I need to tell you," said Col. "These nights usually end up with people having wild sex! It gets crazy."

"Mate" said Jim. "I'm an international pilot who's seen the best and worst of people. Swearing is not a problem, I can handle myself and being single, a bit of sex might not be the worst thing. What time is the party?"

"7.30" said Col.

Jim looked at Col and said, "Should I wear formal gear or casual?"

Col took a while to answer and then looked at Jim and said, "Doesn't really matter. There'll only be the two of us."
'
 
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