Jokes,Jokes & More Jokes

[tig_prmz]

what would you do with your yearlong supply of used condoms?
burn them, turn them into tyre and call it a 'Goodyear'

 

[Aladinsane]

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.
I get home…
And guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!
This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law.
"There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation.
I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she never got your E-mail!"

 

[Aladinsane]

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop..
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk,
"Dooo youuuu have dilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos.
Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Doooo youuuu carrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,
tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk…aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do.."

"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn iittt offfff?"

 

[Aladinsane]

"Irish Petrol Station"
\
\
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7\. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
Fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.'

 

[Saturnalia]


 

[happy_tiger]

We get told that the world is our oyster

What happens if you are allergic to shellfish ??

 

[westTAHger]

seen on a biil board
" jesus is the answer"
what's the question?

 

[Saturnalia]



 

[westTAHger]

a man's life, is like a flaccid doodle,
it's women that make it hard.

 

[westTAHger]

a plane crashes next door to your house.
where do you bury the survivors ?

 

[happy_tiger]

a plane crashes next door to your house.
where do you bury the survivors ?

Adam Blair's place

 

[Juro]

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me…

 

[cktiger]

A Texan was visiting Harvard University, and was lost.
He stopped a student and asked, "Do you know where the library is at?"
"I sure do," replied the student, "But, you know, you're not supposed to end sentences with prepositions."
"What?"
"Prepositions. You ended your sentence with an 'at', which you aren't supposed to do."
"Oh, ok," said the Texan, "Do you know where the library is at, arsehole?"

 

[Aladinsane]

A guy gets a call from the police telling him his house was robbed. The offender had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.

A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they did my wife after only five cans!"
____________________________________________________
"My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my penis . It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"
____________________________________________________

I was shagging this Sheila over her kitchen table when we heard the frontdoor open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have legged it - but you don't get offers like that every day.
____________________________________________________
Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching this bloke at a party. In my defence… When you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in. ____________________________________________________
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I shagged a Sheila called Penny - spooky or what?
____________________________________________________
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you thinka bout me?" Apparently "Only to stop myself coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer. ____________________________________________________
My wife is pissed off with me again. I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a partypopper. She has no sense of humour.
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10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says. If any of you are Paedophiles, you can all go down to HELL Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out. "And take this deaf bastard with you".
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My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you.... He is in Prison.
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The wife came out of the bathroom and said: "I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you"? I said. "Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again"!
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Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night. I Picked him up in a night club. He looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman.Even kissed like a woman. But as we arrived back at his apartment, he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement. That's when I thought ..." Wait a minute"

 

[Juro]

Russians hit back at claims of "fixing" figure skating results, "Anyone who's stayed in Sochi can see we don't know how to fix things".

 

[Saturnalia]

Been sending this to a few people in our office


 

[Saturnalia]


 

[westTAHger]

why does the mushroom always get invited to parties?

because he is a fun gi.

 

[Juro]

A man is talking to God.

Man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
Man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me, it's a penny."
Man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

 

[westTAHger]

What happens if a politician drowns in a river?

It's pollution.

What happens if all of them drown?

It's a solution …