A
alien
Guest
hehe some good ones there
Jokes,Jokes & More Jokes
- Thread starter Aladinsane
- Start date
Aladinsane
New member
A woman, who continually fighting with her husband, goes to the doctor.
**Doctor:** What happened?"
**Woman:** "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, we get into an argument screaming and yelling."
**Doctor:** "I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start swishing it around in your mouth. Just swish and swish until he goes to bed."
Two weeks later she returns to the doctor,and looks reborn and fresh again.
**Woman:** "Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with chamomile tea and nothing happened."
**Doctor:** "You see how much it helps when you keep your mouth shut!"
**Doctor:** What happened?"
**Woman:** "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, we get into an argument screaming and yelling."
**Doctor:** "I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start swishing it around in your mouth. Just swish and swish until he goes to bed."
Two weeks later she returns to the doctor,and looks reborn and fresh again.
**Woman:** "Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with chamomile tea and nothing happened."
**Doctor:** "You see how much it helps when you keep your mouth shut!"
Aladinsane
New member
**A little boy asks his dad**: what’s between moms legs?
**The father answers:** Paradise, my son.
**The kid asks again:** What’s between your legs?
**The father replies:** the key to the paradise
**The son says:** Piece of advice dad, change the lock, the neighbor has a copy!
**The father answers:** Paradise, my son.
**The kid asks again:** What’s between your legs?
**The father replies:** the key to the paradise
**The son says:** Piece of advice dad, change the lock, the neighbor has a copy!
balmainkings
New member
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law
a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.The next year,
he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started…..
a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.The next year,
he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started…..
balmainkings
New member
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started….
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started….
balmainkings
New member
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of
Miller Light for $14.95\. Instead, she bought a jar
of cold cream for $7.95\. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started…..
Miller Light for $14.95\. Instead, she bought a jar
of cold cream for $7.95\. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started…..
balmainkings
New member
A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath."Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"Mama answered, "Not yet."
balmainkings
New member
When I was born, the doctor said to my father, " I'm sorry, we did everything we could but he still pulled thru".
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
balmainkings
New member
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
balmainkings
New member
I was lost and asked a cop to help me find my parents "do you think we'll find them", "I don't know there's so many places to hide"
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
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When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
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My old man, he carries around the picture of the kid that came with the wallet
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
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When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
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My old man, he carries around the picture of the kid that came with the wallet
balmainkings
New member
I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".
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I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "no one drag is enough"
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them " are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over there's nobody home", I went over - nobody was home
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
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If it weren't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".
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I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "no one drag is enough"
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them " are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over there's nobody home", I went over - nobody was home
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
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If it weren't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
balmainkings
New member
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance
balmainkings
New member
I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy…why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy…why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early
Aladinsane
New member
Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
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'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
\
\
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
Juro
Well-known member
@Aladinsane said:
So what does it mean if the groom wears black??
balmainkings
New member
1\. Two blondes walk into a building….......you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2\. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
3\. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4\. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5\. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
6\. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7\. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
8\. I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a muscle.
9\. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10\. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11\. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12\. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual....'
13\. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him.'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy.'
14\. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'
15\. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16\. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17\. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
18\. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
19\. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'
20\. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21\. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
22\. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'
23\. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
2\. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
3\. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4\. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5\. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
6\. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7\. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
8\. I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a muscle.
9\. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10\. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11\. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12\. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual....'
13\. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him.'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy.'
14\. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'
15\. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16\. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17\. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
18\. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
19\. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'
20\. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21\. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
22\. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'
23\. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Aladinsane
New member
**Wife asks husband,** "How many women have you slept with?"
**Husband proudly replies,** "Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake
**Husband proudly replies,** "Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake
Aladinsane
New member
**Irish Wedding Night**
Paddys bride on her wedding night …......lays on the bed legs spread wide and says to Paddy "you know what I want don't you Paddy" .....Aye he says...."All the fookin bed by the look of it"!
Paddys bride on her wedding night …......lays on the bed legs spread wide and says to Paddy "you know what I want don't you Paddy" .....Aye he says...."All the fookin bed by the look of it"!
Marshall_magic
New member
Did you hear about the Irish skydiver?
He missed the Earth
He missed the Earth
