Jokes,Jokes & More Jokes

A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager.

'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute.
The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bull bars at the front of my ute and Is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'

The manager says,'Ok, there's a ….303Rifle behind the seat.
Take it; shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said Boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the
Bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.

'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.

'Well boss, it's his motorbike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.'
 
• A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her, "That's the cleanest vagina I've seen!" The lesbian replied, "Yes, I have a woman in twice a week!"

• My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used something though?"
He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"

• I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok recently, to get my testicles checked out.
While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."
I said, "I haven't got an erection!"
She replied, "No, but I have!"
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• A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!
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• Why do Cadbury's make white chocolate buttons?
So that black kids can have messy faces as well!
 
**Marriage….It's all a joke**
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WHY AM I MARRIED?
You have choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

__________
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
__________
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
__________

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
__________

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
__________

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
__________
Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'
__________
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say – talk in your sleep.
__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
__________

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
__________
'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to
forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray
for Strength I'll just beat him to death'
__________

**AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!**
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A
blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they
find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit
onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as
he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece
of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me
crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'
 
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.

If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
*************************************************

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"
* **************************************************

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother."
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."
* ******************************************************

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
************************** ************************

Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies, "No, It means, "With Idiot For Ever" !"
******************************* ********************

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.
***************************** *********************

A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these
are customer complaints".
***********************************************************

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and
confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."
***********************************************************

Nominated as the best short joke this year…
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
“Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
 
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried,
$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
 
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous…... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1\. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
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2.. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3\. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4\. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5\. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6\. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
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7\. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8\. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9\. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10\. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11\. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12\. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.

And the best one of all.

13\. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
 
Honestly, who is even awake at this time of the morning, let alone telling jokes, still 'dazed and confused' at this hour, lol.
 
@Mrs T said:
Honestly, who is even awake at this time of the morning, let alone telling jokes, still 'dazed and confused' at this hour, lol.
Click to expand...

Yeah I was on Saturday morning after the GF Luncheon…Here's another one...

**The Perfect Man**

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his friggin' wife.
 
**Walk on Water**

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems
that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk
on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked
across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Bubba's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat
out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat …. and nearly
drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and
confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my
21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his
pappyr, and his pappy before him?

Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, Because your father, your grandfather and your great
grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born
in July, you dumbass
 
**Beware of Older Men**
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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.'

About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay….How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonald's.
 
Bruce, an Australian who was working on contract for 3 months in Dublin was drinking in ODonoghue’s pub in Merrion Row when he gets a call on his mobile phone.

He hangs up grinning from ear to ear, orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife back home has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds but Bruce just shrugs, "That's about average in Oz. Like I said my boy is a typical Australian baby boy.

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later Bruce returns to the bar.

Greg, the bartender says "You're the father of that typical Australian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers '17 pounds"

Greg is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.

Bruce takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says …........... "Had him circumcised mate"
 
GILLARD TAKES OAKESHOTT WINDSOR AND WILKIE FOR A CELEBRATION DINNER AT A BIG FANCY RESTAURANT IN CANBERRA. THE WAITRESS APPROACHES AND ASKED ''WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO ORDER MS GILLARD''? SHE REPLIED''I''LL HAVE A NICE FILLET STEAK PLEASE , MEDIUM TO WELL . NOTHING ELSE JUST STEAK THANKS.'' THE WAITRESS SAID ''BUT MS.GILLARD,WHAT ABOUT YOUR VEGETABLES''? SHE REPLIED ''THEY CAN ORDER WHATEVER THEY LIKE'' :laughing:
 
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?" she asked.

"Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there," he suggested.

"But what about the smell?" she asked.

"Just hold its nose."

…the man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
 
The man might recover, but he'll be paying for it forever.

No. 1 son (who's had his licence for all of four weeks) asks Mum - Can I borrow your car to drive to my new job, such a hassle to get there on public transport, blah, blah, blah. Mum - Yeah sure, be careful.

Comes out of work and sees front end of car smashed to crap! Luckily some nice witness left a note with details of the truck that backed into it then drove off! (@#$%)
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Sounded like the start of a joke, but its not!

Jokes are funny, keep em comin!
 
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. Got a terrible
headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
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He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good
time being spoiled by not going.
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So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly
for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough,
decided to go the party.
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Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not
with him.
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She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the
dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little
feel here and a little kiss there.
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His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left
his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that
had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished… Naturally, (since he
was her husband.)
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Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
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So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
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Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the
costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would
make for his behaviour.
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She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a
time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good
time when you're not there."
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- "Did you dance much ?"
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- "you know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete,
Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker
all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I
loaned my costume to...."
=======================================================================

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press
their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every
night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the
girls would put them back.Finally, the principal decided that
something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and
met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these
lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to
clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the
little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean
the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much
effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in
one of the toilets then cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there
have been no lip prints on the mirror.
 
**3 Dogs at the Vets**
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Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck
up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said,
" So why are you here ? "

The Black Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything….the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I
pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Yellow Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do ? "

" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down.
The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked " Why are you here ? "

The Yellow Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."

" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Black Lab inquired.

" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here ? "

" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a
pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I
see."

Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
" So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"

The Great Dane said, " No, apparently, my owner has me here to get my nails clipped ! "
 
**The Smartest Woman in Autralian History**

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Austarlian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. Australia 's smartest woman took my schoolbag."
 
**Pedro & Maria**

When Pedro and Maria got married, he was a very experienced man But she was a virgin and…. totally naive.......On
their wedding night when Pedro removed hisclothes.....Maria looked at his "thingamagig" and.....
asked in wonderment...... 'Pedro!.... What is that?'

Pedro was a quick thinker.....he said.... 'Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these.'.....and then he
proudly showed her what it was for...... Maria liked it....and was pleased.

After the honeymoon was over, Pedro returned to work, only to return home to find an upset Maria waiting on their
front porch. 'Pedro, you said you were the only man in the world with one of those things.... And yet today....when I
saw Gonzalez changing his clothes behind the shed....he had one.....too!'

Ever fast on his feet...Pedro said...'Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my best friend. Since I had two....I gave him one. So he
is the only other man in the world with one.' A puzzled Maria accepted the answer....but when Pedro returned home
the next day....an agitated and upset Maria was waiting on the porch.

Obviously concerned...he asked......'Maria?... Now what's wrong Darling?'...

'Dammit, Pedro......she replied...... You gave the best one to Gonzalez!'
 
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