Jokes,Jokes & More Jokes

Man said to wife "Alright you sexy thing, bedroom now."
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She looked at him and said, "Ooh, you kinky bastard."
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He said, "No, seriously, the footy’s about to start, bugger off!”
 
Most people shouldn't worry about being abducted by aliens. They are only looking for intelligent life.
 
Every man should get married some time;
after all, happiness is not the only thing
in life!!
–Anonymous

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An archaeologist is the best husband a
woman can have;
the older she gets the more interested he
is in her.
--Agatha Christie

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Bachelors should be heavily taxed.
It is not fair that some men should be
happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde

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Don't marry for money; you can borrow it
cheaper.
--Scottish Proverb

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I don't worry about terrorism.
I was married for two years.
--Sam Kinison

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A psychiatrist is a person who will give
you expensive answers that
your wife will give you for free.
--Anonymous

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Bachelors know more about women than
married men;
if they didn't,they'd be married too.
--H. L. Mencken

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Men have a better time than women;
for one thing, they marry later,
for another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken

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"A man without a woman is like a fish
without a bicycle."
- U2

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Marriage is a three ring circus:
--engagement ring
--wedding ring
---suffering

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When a newly married couple smiles,
everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles,
everyone wonders why.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----
Love is blind but marriage is an
eye-opener.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----
When a man opens the door of his car for
his wife,
you can be sure of one thing:
either the car is new or the wife.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps
finding her way back .

------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go
for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she
shops.
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My wife was in beauty saloon for two
hours.
That was only for the estimate.She got a
mudpack and looked great
for two days.Then the mud fell off.
----------------------------- -------------
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am
I too late for the garbage?
"Following her down the street I yelled,
"No, jump in!"

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------
If your dog is barking at the back door
and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do
you let in first?
The Dog of course..at least he'll shut up
after you let him in!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------
A man placed some flowers on the grave of
his dearly departed mother and started back toward
his car when his attention was diverted to another man
kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound
intensity and kept repeating, "Why did
you have to die? Why did you have to
die?"The first man approached him
and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere
with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than
I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child?
A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect
himself, then replied, "My wife's first
husband."
 
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian!

**Passenger:** "Who?"

**Cabbie:** "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

**Passenger:** "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

**Cabbie:** "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

**Passenger**: "Sounds like he was something really special."

**Cabbie:** "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

**Passenger:** "Wow. Some guy then."

**Cabbie:** "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

**Passenger:** "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

**Cabbie:** "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his flamin’ widow!!"
 
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that - 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

=====

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection…but she did.
=======
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
========
Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of
the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says, " Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies, " Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

============
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Blow that" says Mick - "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
============

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
==============

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"
===============
Spent $40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bloke sent me a magnifying glass!
==============

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

==============
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
===============

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
================

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.
=============

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?
===============

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.

He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

===========

I was explaining to my husband last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
He said I would like to come back as a pig. I said your obviously not listening.

=============
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten.
It's called a wedding cake.
==============

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said is that you or the beer talking ?
I replied it's me talking to the beer.

==============

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been down to Vinnies to get all her clothes back.
 
Golfing Joke
Guy takes his wife to golf . Going along ok until he gets the eight hole and duck hooks a ball behind the shed . Sees a small gap through the shed and says to wive " Going to hit a slice through that hole in the shed and put it on the green . Anyway fluffs his shot hits side of shed bounces back and hits his wife ,killing her instantly .
About 9 months later a mate invites him at to golf and he finally agrees to go and play again . Anyway gets to the eight exact same thing duck hooks it behind the shed again . Sees the same gap in the shed . His mate says to him "would you like me to move " He says "Yes, the last time I played this hole I got a seven ."
 
Another Golf Joke
Young fella (rookie) plays his first time ever in the US Masters and is leading the event . Unbeleiveable he thinks to himself as he heads to the bar . Anyway ,meets an absolute stunner and she lets him know what she would like to do with him back in his hotel room .
Anyway after much satisfaction for both parties he decides to ring for room service . "No you don't shes says get back into bed " Anyway back to bed for much more satisfaction and after the second time he decides to get some room service again " No you don't get back into bed "
Anyway back to bed he goes and struggles to get through a third session . After he has slowly crawled out of bed shes turns to him and says "I suppose you wanting to ring for room service " he turns to her as he starts dialling the phone . "No, I am ringing Tiger Woods to find out the par for this hole "
 
Eileen and her husband Bob went for sex counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen stood there stunned, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but I play golf on Tuesday, Thursday Fridays, Saturday & Sunday.
 
I got pulled over last night at midnight and the copper asked "where are you going"??
I said "I'm on my way to a lecture on the effects of drugs and alcohol on the human body".
He looked at me with disbelief and said " Bulldust!! Who gives lectures at this time of the night"?!
I responded "THE FRIGGIN' WIFE"!!
 
**Australian Police Entrance Test**
An Australian man is seeking to join his state police service.

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"
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"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
 
**LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH**

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot…'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

**LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)**

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the friggin' difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'

**LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH**

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful..'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a [This word has been automatically removed].'

**LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR**

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

**LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)**

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice..
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fufriggin beautiful!''

**LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER**

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat..'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old..'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own friggin' business.
 
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill….
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital. Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another big saw. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'. And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.
And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.' Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.' 'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'!!
 
WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY & out of New Zealand as our team would have had a good laugh after being stranded for 2 extra days….

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg. Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

---o0o---

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

---o0o---

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

---o0o--

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

---o0o---

From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."

---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

---o0o---

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
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----o0o---

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

---o0o---
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."

---o0o---
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

---o0o�

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
---o0o�

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
---o0o�

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
---o0o�

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
---o0o�

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
---o0o�

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
---o0o�

Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
---o0o---
 
With all this crappy news about injuries to Simon , Benji, Lawo, Lote, Toddie, Liam, Geoff, Utai…the list is endless, I will continue with my coorny jokes every morning to hopefully get a smile of some of us tragics...

**WHO SAID PRIESTS DON’T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?**

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor? '
'Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
________________________________________
 
**Nudist colony**
\
\
A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off
his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde
walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for me?'
The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'
She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain.
It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel
eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the
sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.

'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.

'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put
him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office
where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.

'Here's my membership card. You can have the key
back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a
few hours.. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'

'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here.'
 
**Reasons for Marrying 4 times**

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just married
for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions
about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands
and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
 
I went to get on the bus this morning & the pakistani bus driver said," I'm jampacked full".

I said " I don't care what your name is mate, I just want to get on"
 
I woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast.
I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.

"What are you doing?" I asked her.

She said, "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.

Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself,

"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock…"
 
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