Jokes,Jokes & More Jokes

A little boy says to his mother,"Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I remember about that party, you're flipping lucky you don't bark
 
2 guys are sitting at a bar after a hard days work and start talking about their wives.
1st guy: "You know what, my wife is an angel."
2nd guy: "Gee, you sure are lucky, my wife is still alive!"
 
THIS IS PRETTY CLOSE TO THE TRUTH?????
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Never thought we'd see the day.
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What do you call a world-class Australian cricketer?
Retired.
What do you call an Australian who can hold a catch?
A fisherman.
Why can no-one drink wine in Australia at the moment?
They haven't got any openers .
What is the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies?
Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.
What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone on the Australian cricket team?
The woman who irons their cricket whites.
What's the height of optimism?
An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.
What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
A vacant lot.
What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both
What's the difference between Michael Clarke and a funeral director?
A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes

The Australian bobsled team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting.
They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!
 
An 86 year old man went to his Doctor for his quarterly check-up

The Doctor asked how he was feeling ,and the 86 year old replied "Things are great Doc , I' ve never felt better , I now have a 20 year old bride , who is pregnant with my child , what do you think about that "?

The Doctor considered his answer and then told him a story .

"I have an older friend , much like you , who is an avid hunter .One day he was walking out in the woods .As he neared the lake , he saw a magnificent beaver sitting at the waters edge.He didnt have his gun , he had only a walking stick .So , just out of habit , he raised his walking stick , much like his favorite hunting rifle and went "Bang , Bang " .Miraculously the beaver fell over dead .
"Now , what do you think about that ",?

The 86 year old thought about it and said "Logic , would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver "

The Doctor replied, "Precisely "
 
An Australian travelling through England on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification.
Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the Australian Customs Agents at the airport.
"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the bloke.
"Sure mate, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.
"But I can prove I'm an Australian!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Bob Hawke tattooed on one side of my backside and Paul Keating on the other.
"This I gotta see", replied the agent.
With that, the bloke dropped his strides and showed the agent his behind. “Crikey, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back
to Queensland "
"But how did you know I was from Queensland ? "
The agent replied, "I recognized Kevin in the middle"
 
General Amalgamated Industries, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here."

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
 
Federal Court Ruling from the Courier Mail, Australia

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custodylaw and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Australian Rugby League team, The St George IIlawarra Dragons, whom the boy firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone.

Hehehe
I hate the Dragons!
 
Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10.
See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

… The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day Jenny came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
 
@Leroy The Tigers Fan said:
@AmericanHistoryX said:
blasphemy I say! blasphemy! :smiling_imp:

But the whole Catholic Church is a bad joke so why is it Blasphemous, where I come St Stanislaus College has proven to be a breeding ground for Paedo priests with 2 being found guilty just this week, religeon & school is a bad mix!.
Click to expand...
Click to expand...

You stupid uneducated person, you dont think there is an agenda to despise the largest western religion in the world?
Love to see you at an islamic school….

_Posted using RoarFEED 2013_
 
Two mates sitting in a bar on a Friday afternoon, having a beer and winding down for the week.
One asks "Hypothetically, if I were to go around to your house while you were at work, sleep with your missus, and she had my kid, would that make us related?"
His mate thinks for a moment and replies "No. But it would make us even"
 
Wife Jokes & Others
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Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, ¡ pluck it, I willsoldier on!¡±

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
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My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
 
@Aladinsane said:
Wife Jokes & Others
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Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, ¡ pluck it, I willsoldier on!¡±

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
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My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
Click to expand...

_Posted using RoarFEED 2013_
 
To Mark 4 Years of this thread today ….a joke to suit

Nothing like Abstinence:

An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating
He said, "What are you doing father?"
"It's called masturbating” the priest replied, "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why father ?" he asked
"Because my wrist is killing me” the priest replied
 
NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed
that there was a slight response on the monitor
whenever she touched her there.
They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite
movement.

They went to her husband and explained what
happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds,
maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her
out of the coma.'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him
that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's
room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined,
no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into
the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.
 
What is the definition of poverty ??
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Having Ethopian foster parents
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What do you do if a bird sh%ts on your head ??
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Never take her out again

How many hippies does it take to change a light bulb ??

Just one , but the light has to want to change

Why don't they give lunch breaks to the Irish ??

Too hard to retrain them afterwards
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A Frenchman , Pom and Lady Gaga jump off a cliff at the same time ,who hits the ground first ??
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Who cares
 
@Aladinsane said:
To Mark 4 Years of this thread today ….a joke to suit

Nothing like Abstinence:

An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating
He said, "What are you doing father?"
"It's called masturbating” the priest replied, "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why father ?" he asked
"Because my wrist is killing me” the priest replied
Click to expand...

Swap Darius Boyd's name for the 8 year old boy and Wayne Bennett's for the priest and it would be just about spot-on :wink:
 
Little Johnny went to his father to ask him about politics. His faher answered: "Son, think of our family as the country. I am the breadwinner of this house- I get the money into the family so let's call me 'Capitalism.' Your mother manages the house and can be considered an administrator so let's call her the 'Governement'. We get this money for you so you are the 'people'. Your nanny works for us and we give her money so she can be considered the 'Working Class'. Your little brother needs to be looked after and attended to at all the time- so let's call him the 'future'. Think about this overnight,and get back to me tomorrow"

At night when everyone was sleeping, Little Johnny noticed that his brother was crying because his diaper needed to be changed. He went to his mother but she was sleeping and wanting to be considerate- he didn't wake her up. He went to the nanny's room but his father was having his way with the nanny. Finally, having given up- he went back to bed.

In the morning, his father asked Johnny to explain politics in his own words. Johnny said: "I think I Understand how it works, Dad. Capitalism screws with the Working Class while the Government sleeps. Peope are resigned to it while the Future is 'full of sh*t"
 
Confucius Say… It's ok to let a fool kiss you, but don't let a kiss fool you.

Confucius Say... A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.

Confucius Say... It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.

Confucius Say... Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy.

Confucius Say... Man who mix Viagra and Laxette, doesn’t know if he's coming or going.

Confucius Say... A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

Confucius Say... Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest.

Confucius Say... Viagra is like Disneyland...a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

Confucius Say... It is much better to want the mate you do not have, than to have the mate you do not want.

Confucius Say... A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it.
 
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