Jokes,Jokes & More Jokes

My friend asked me, "Why are you getting a divorce?"

I responded, "My wife wasn't home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister's house."

He said, "So?"

And I responded, "She's lying. I spent the night at her sister's house!"
 
Two drunks sitting on the pub corner,firstdrunk sees a dog sitting in the middle of the road licking his balls and says gee I wish I could do that..second drunk says I think you better pat him first….
 
**Wife's Affair & A Very Smart Cabby**

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en route home, he asks the cabbie if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tip toe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money'

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your Collingwood season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?

The cabbie replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'
 
How many WT's players does it take to change a light bulb ??

22

9 will fall off the ladder
Moltz will refuse to climb the ladder
8 will get electrocuted
3 will be fallen upon by the players falling off the ladder
Adam Blair will get the job done , but will overcharge for it
 
@happy tiger said:
How many WT's players does it take to change a light bulb ??

22

9 will fall off the ladder
Moltz will refuse to climb the ladder
8 will get electrocuted
3 will be fallen upon by the players falling off the ladder
Adam Blair will get the job done , but will overcharge for it
Click to expand...

Will need a cap exemption in order to have the light bulb changed.. WT currently haven't 22 fit players.
 
A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender turns to him and says, "Sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here."

The next day, clinging to a thread, the string returns to that same bar and orders a drink again. The bartender, resolute, again turns and says, "I'm sorry, sir, but like I said, we don't serve strings here. I'm going to have to ask you not to return."

Dejected, the string returns home. All night he tosses and turns, wriggles and writhes, and awakes the next morning not at all resembling himself. Catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he brightens and jets out his door to that bar. Swaggering in, he orders a drink one more time. The bartender stares at him, squinty eyed, and asks, "I'm sorry, are you a string? You look very familiar."

The string locks eyes with the bartender, and states, "No, sir. I'm a frayed knot."
 
**$500,000 Mortgage**

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $500,000 and your mothers’ just lost her job.
There's no way we can afford it.' The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be stuffed if I'm staying here by myself with a $500,000 mortgage and no frigging bike.
 
Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my David died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over my body.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!'

And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
 
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"

The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."

"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?"

"Your name never came up in the conversation."
 
A guy is doing his supermarket shopping and he is queing at the checkout and realises he's forgoten condoms, so he asked the checkout woman to get some, so she asks what size and he says he doesn't know so she says she'll have a feel to find out. So she has a feel and puts an announcement over the tannoy "a packet of large condoms to checkout 4 please". The next guy see's this and decides to try his luck and does the same, so she feels him and she puts out an anouncement over the tannoy saying "A packet of medium condoms to checkout 4 please. The next guy is a teenager and he thinks he'll try his luck too and says the same, so she has a feel, and says into the tannoy system "Mop and Bucket to checkout 4 please".
 
Whats the difference between a porsche & porcupine???
…..........................
In a porsche the pricks are on the inside.

_Posted using RoarFEED Android 1.1.6_
 
What's the difference between a computer and a Frenchmen

You only have to punch information into one once , the other you have to do it many times (just to be sure )
 
A man walks into a bar, quickly followed by another man.

You'd think the second man would have ducked.
 
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