What do you call a man with no shin?
Tony
Why do the French like to eat snails so much?
They can’t stand fast food
A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
They have the same middle names.
What rhymes with orange?
No it doesn’t
Why did the old man fall in the well?
He couldn’t see that well.
Did you hear about the magician who was driving down the street?
He turned into a driveway.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the sea?
They dropped out of school.
Why did the one-handed monster cross the road?
To go to the second-hand shop
What do you call a woman who burns her bills?
Bernadette
Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the casino?
Because he was on a roll
Did you hear about the band called Cellophane?
They mostly rap
Hedgehogs!
Why can’t they just share the hedge?
Did you the rumour about the butter?
Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.
Why did the can-crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing.
What fish tastes best with peanut butter?
A jellyfish
I was going to tell you an unemployment joke.
But it’s not working.
Have you ever eaten a clock before?
It’s very time consuming.
What do you call a man who steals toes?
Roberto
What do you call a bear with no ears?
A bee
Why did a girl throw the clock in school?
Because time wasn’t moving fast enough.
How do you make the number 1 disappear?
Add ‘g’ and then it will be gone.
Why is there no iPhone 9?
Because 7 ate 9
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff?
Ba-dum-tssss
How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a sea-saw
French fries aren’t actually cooked in France.
They are cooked in Greece.
What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese.
A car was made completely out of wood. Wooden wheels, wooden engine, wooden seats. It just wouldn’t move
What do you call a bee that lives in America?
A USB
A man was in a terrible car crash where he was completely paralyzed on his entire left side!
He’s all right now
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
Its ok, he woke up
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Lean beef
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
What do you call a dear with no eye?
No idea
What do you call a dear with no eye and no legs?
Still, no idea
Do you now how to make a dumb person curious?
Now, how?
I’ll tell you tomorrow
Why were the Star Wars released in the order of 4,5,6,1,2,3?
Because they were directed by Yoda
What time did the man go to the dentist?
2:30 (Tooth hurt-y)
2 guys walk into a bar.
The 3rd one ducks
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Never mind, it’s tearible
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I’m still working on it
What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
It let out a little wine
What do you call a camel with no hump?
Humphrey
What do you call a man that has lost his car?
Carlos
What happened when the two antennas got married?
Well, the ceremony was kind of boring, but the reception was great
How do you organize a space party?
You planet
What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time
What kind of shoes does a thief wear?
Sneakers
What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved
What do you call a man with no nose and no body?
Nobody knows
There’s a brand new broom!
It’s sweeping the nation
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
Where’s popcorn?
A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter-flavour chips.
The bartender replies, “sorry mate, we only do plain.”
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell-phones
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world!
There’s no point to it!
Why can’t you trust an atom?
They make up everything
What do computers snack on?
Microchips
What is the difference between a teacher and a train?
One says, “spit out your gum,” and the other one says, “choo, choo!”
