A Woman's Poem
He didn't like the casserole,
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard…
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right,
He didn't like the stew.
I didn't mend his socks,
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.
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On a recent trip to the US and Canada, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in Kitimat, B.C. due to his experiences in handling the Australian Indigenous situation.
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He spoke for almost an hour on his ideas for increasing every First Nation's present standard of living.
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At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented the Prime Minister with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
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The proud Rudd then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he left.
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A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Rudd.
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They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit, it can no longer fly.
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Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit £200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
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Default kaBOOM!!
Q. What do Pyongyang and Hiroshima have in common?
A. Nothing, yet.
Q. What do you call a Muslim who owns a camel and a goat?
A. Bisexual.
Q. What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats?
A. A pimp
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"Late again!!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Sammy.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.
"You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat.
Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to my Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt!
To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop."
"As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy.
Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!
MissCrabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!'
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40 Aboriginals arrive at the Pearly Gates
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 Aboriginals here. Can I let them in?'
God says 'We are over the quota on Abo’s. Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy,
and I will let just the dozen in.'
Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.
'They've gone', he tells God.
'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'
'No, the f*&^%$g gates'.
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Q. What's the worlds best pick-up line?
A. 'Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?'
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YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN...
You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your junior prom offered day care.
You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
When you take the dog for a walk at night, you both use the same tree.
