Things that make you laugh!! 😂

[tiger_one]

Elton John just bought his pet rabbit a small treadmill.
'It's a little fit bunny'...........

 

[hugggarz]

You said lockdown would all be over after June, Julyed.

 

[mike]

I've often heard that "icy" is the easiest word to spell. Looking at it now, I see why.

 

[TrueTiger]

Breaking News.....Lockdown and Isolation ....despair..


Man gaoled for 5 years for having sex with a goat...

His best mate gaoled for 10 years..""for acting the goat""

 

[FinestTigers]

(apologies, i had this post in another thread, then realized that funny things belong here)

If the current restrictions for NSW do not end on the said date then god help us, because we will then move to a higher level of restrictions.
THE FOLLOWING HAS BEEN LEAKED FROM THE NSW DEPT. OF HEALTH

1: Married couples must wear masks while sleeping in same bed

2: No browsing when opening refrigerator

3: Parents must check in and out after using toilet

4: Do not talk to family members unless it’s necessary

5: Do not eat food using your fingers or mouth

6: If eye contact is made with family members wash out eyes with sanitizer

7: Keep breathing to a maximum of 1 breath per minute

8: Only 1 person permitted to purchase food within 5 metres of residence

9: Exercise permitted with 1 family member, rock paper scissors only

10: Do not watch people on TV who are outside of your local council area

11: Going to work permitted providing you work from home

12: Visiting family members permitted if they are from the same household

13: Weddings permitted only through zoom or Facebook live

14: Funerals limited to 1 dead person only

 

[tiger_one]

I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I was like, 0mg.

 

[mike]

Residents of the town that legalised pot but banned alcohol have been left high and dry.

 

[Muffstar]

A patient goes in for his prostate exam, drops his pants and is ready.

Doctor : Now Steve don't get an erection.
Patient : Ah my name is Dave.
Doctor : My name is Steve.

 

[Mac]

I was sitting on the bus opposite the most beautiful Thai girl I have ever seen.

I kept saying to myself "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection."

But she did!

 

[mike]

When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof I was shocked…

 

[mike]

I was really bored last night and so I started looking at the member profiles. Two of you have the same girlfriend.

 

[tiger_one]

What's the go with synchronized swimming?
Like, if one person drowns, do they all have to drown?

 

[cktiger]

Today was surreal....I was following an ambulance when oddly, I noticed a small metal box sitting on the rear bumper. When the ambulance turned the corner at The Princes Highway the box flew off and landed on the side of the road against the curb. Call me curious or just the Good Samaritan that I am, I pulled over and retrieved it. When I opened the box there was a human toe packed in ice inside it. Whoops, that's a serious mistake I thought, so unsure where the ambulance was heading I took a punt and called the St George Hospital and explained what I had found. The lady on the phone said 'Yes, the ambulance had just arrived minus the box'. I gave her my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it?
The lady replied "No, we'll just send a toe truck."

 

[tig_prmz]

Today was surreal....I was following an ambulance when oddly, I noticed a small metal box sitting on the rear bumper. When the ambulance turned the corner at The Princes Highway the box flew off and landed on the side of the road against the curb. Call me curious or just the Good Samaritan that I am, I pulled over and retrieved it. When I opened the box there was a human toe packed in ice inside it. Whoops, that's a serious mistake I thought, so unsure where the ambulance was heading I took a punt and called the St George Hospital and explained what I had found. The lady on the phone said 'Yes, the ambulance had just arrived minus the box'. I gave her my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it?
The lady replied "No, we'll just send a toe truck."

I think we have found a winner of Dad Jokes. The amount of detail for the eventual pun.. BRAVO !

 

[mike]

We used to experiment by launching dogs and monkeys into space. Now we’re using billionaires. I call that progress…

 

[bathursttiger1]

I found this in an old Joke Topic.

A guy is doing his supermarket shopping and he is queing at the checkout and realises he’s forgoten condoms, so he asked the checkout woman to get some, so she asks what size and he says he doesn’t know so she says she’ll have a feel to find out. So she has a feel and puts an announcement over the tannoy “a packet of large condoms to checkout 4 please”. The next guy see’s this and decides to try his luck and does the same, so she feels him and she puts out an anouncement over the tannoy saying "A packet of medium condoms to checkout 4 please. The next guy is a teenager and he thinks he’ll try his luck too and says the same, so she has a feel, and says into the tannoy system “Mop and Bucket to checkout 4 please”.

 

[Merlot]

I found this in an old Joke Topic.

A guy is doing his supermarket shopping and he is queing at the checkout and realises he’s forgoten condoms, so he asked the checkout woman to get some, so she asks what size and he says he doesn’t know so she says she’ll have a feel to find out. So she has a feel and puts an announcement over the tannoy “a packet of large condoms to checkout 4 please”. The next guy see’s this and decides to try his luck and does the same, so she feels him and she puts out an anouncement over the tannoy saying "A packet of medium condoms to checkout 4 please. The next guy is a teenager and he thinks he’ll try his luck too and says the same, so she has a feel, and says into the tannoy system “Mop and Bucket to checkout 4 please”.

Dad joke,is this discord,is this the right channel?

 

[tiger_one]

I backed a horse last week at 10 to 1.
It came in at quarter past four.

 

[cktiger]

Just a heads up ...I need some help.
A few months ago I accepted a friend request from a guy called Buster, as we both had an avid interest in the 70's band The Sweet.
He sent me the odd video of the band but then he started to bombard me with not only videos but almost non stop messages on Messenger......now as much as I like The Sweet I thought enough is enough and so I tried to unfriend and block him but I was unable to.....this is where I need technical help ...

Does anyone know the way....there's got to be a way to block Buster?

 

[voice_of_reason]

Does anyone know the way....there's got to be a way to block Buster?

Do you know just how many people won't get that? I liked it.