Jokes,Jokes & More Jokes

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!' The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM- she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer
than you. '
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like to have a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

**Attention Female readers:**

This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!

**Male readers:**
Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times 'milder' than his wife!!!

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart .

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
 
Husband says to wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived
… I think I'll wear Gold tonight."

Wife says, "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change."
 
an abo was drivin along when suddenly he got a flat tyre. he pulled over and started to undo his wheel nuts when a subaru pulls over in front of him. a big lebo jumps out rushs over with a baseball bat and smashes the car window ! The abo yells "wtf you doing bra?" and the lebo replies " relax bro, your taking the wheels…
 
A psychiatrist is conducting a group therapy session, with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother hes said, " You are obsessed with eating. You've even named you daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mum. " Your obsession is money. Again it manifests itself in your child's name Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered.. " Come on D.ck, let's go."
 
**Marriage Humor**
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Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing…? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
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Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
_____________

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
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Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
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Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
_______________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'
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**Husbands are husbands**

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!!'
 
A souths fan was driving home from work to get home and be with his wife. The wife hears a news report saying that there is someone driving on the wrong side of the road down the freeway. She immediately calls her husband and says "look out dear, some lunatic is driving on the wrong side of the freeway." He replied "only one? They're all on the wrong side of the road."
 
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 12 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married,so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,

"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,

Mr. Smith replies,"Well Bruce, you are only 12..Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it,

Bruce replies,"In Jenny's room.It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
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Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,

"Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.

You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.

That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
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Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.

I just have one more question.

What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
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Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,

"Well, we've been lucky so far."
 
An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any

experience shoeing horses…

He said no, but..... he had told a donkey to f*ck off once.
 
**The Young Ventriloquist**

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and, one night, he's
doing a show in a small town in Tasmania.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb
blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and
starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes
you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a
person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you
who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and
from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to
perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in
general… pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde
yells, "You stay out of this mate!

I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"
 
A bloke went into Angus & Coote bookshop and asked the young lady Assistant:

"Do you have the new book out for men with short willies……?"

The Sales assistant said…."I'm not sure if it’s in yet……"

"That’s the one, I'll take a copy……"
 
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. – Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with... -- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough... -- Lynnette, age 8 ( isn't she a treasure? )

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them... It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED ?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8 ( I like this kid )

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10
 
**Arkansas Razorback Hogs**
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Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:
"Nice pigs, sir."

The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,

"Excellent trade, sir."
 
**Look of Disappointment**

An Irishman was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, The drugs are wearing off.'
 
**Catholic Dog**

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?'
 
**The Preacher**

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that could pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city stands up and proclaims, "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

Then Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!

"More sighs and loud applause.

Joe Tavares stands up and says, if the preacher stays I will provide him with all the wine he wants.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "F*** him!"

Isn't senility wonderful?
 
**The pencil…**

The value of a Catholic education and a pencil ….You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt with the pencil.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that f***#@^ thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted
 
**SEX AFTER DEATH**

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long marriage, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion … Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
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"No..........................I'm a rabbit in Surrey"
 
The Mrs was watching a cookery programme the other day.
I said: “What you watching that for? You can’t cook.”

She said: “You watch porn.”
 
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