Jokes,Jokes & More Jokes

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way'
The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'

He immediately drops his pants and replies, ….....'Look at this, ....it's still in it's CRATE
 
I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your frigging will power'

Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! '….............Murphy says 'Four!'

Snow hell! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself ' she'll be lucky with a face like that!'

I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry, you'll lose it eventually '
 
**16 Years Of Meat**

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16\. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
 
A pirate walks into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to you r hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really"

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."
 
**HILLBILLY DIVORCE**

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'
The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30..'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question …The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'
 
@tig_prmz said:
i dont get it Alad 😕
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He wants a divorce on the grounds of Adultery because his wife has given birth to a child that is Black, if you haven't got the Gist he is a Redneck and Rednecks are 99.9% of the time White. :laughing:
 
**The Mexican Maid**

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

**Maria:** "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

**Wife:** "Who said you iron better than me?"

**Maria:** "Jor huzban he say so."

**Wife:** "Oh yeah?"

**Maria:** "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

**Wife:** "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

**Maria:** "Jor hozban did."

Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did did he???"

**Maria:** "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?"
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**Maria:** "No Señora…....The gardener did."
**Wife:** "So how much do you want?"
 
**12 Italian Priests**

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest…..
As Carlos bent over to pick it up...
All the other bells started to ring........!
 
@AmericanHistoryX said:
blasphemy I say! blasphemy! :smiling_imp:
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But the whole Catholic Church is a bad joke so why is it Blasphemous, where I come St Stanislaus College has proven to be a breeding ground for Paedo priests with 2 being found guilty just this week, religeon & school is a bad mix!.
 
**The Tale of 2 Diaries**
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**Her Diary:**
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.

He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
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**His Diary:**
Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why , got a root though .
 
@Leroy The Tigers Fan said:
@AmericanHistoryX said:
blasphemy I say! blasphemy! :smiling_imp:

But the whole Catholic Church is a bad joke so why is it Blasphemous, where I come St Stanislaus College has proven to be a breeding ground for Paedo priests with 2 being found guilty just this week, religeon & school is a bad mix!.
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Chill Guys, this is just a Joke thread, meant to hopefully bring a smile & a laugh, and never meant to offend….there is bad in all circles of life......happy Days :stuck_out_tongue: :stuck_out_tongue:
 
@Aladinsane said:
**The Tale of 2 Diaries**
\
\
**Her Diary:**
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.

He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
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\
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**His Diary:**
Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why , got a root though .
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:laughing: Venus and Mars!
 
Julia Gillard is touring the countryside with her chauffeur.
Suddenly a cow moves out onto the road and they hit it full on. The car comes to a stop.
Julia, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: “You were driving, so you get out and check it.”
The chauffeur gets out, checks it and reports that the animal is dead.
“You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer” says Julia.
Five hours later the chauffeur returns completely plastered, his hair ruffled but with a big grin on his face.
“My God (sic)! What happened to you?” asks Julia.
"When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt whiskey, his wife gave me a slap-up
meal and his daughter made love to me.” he says.
“What on earth did you say to them?” asks Julia.
The chauffeur replies: “I knocked on the door and when it was answered,
I said to them: ‘I’m Julia Gillard’s driver and I’ve just killed the cow.’”
 
**The Peanut in the Ear**

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers… hopefully our son in-law!"
 
**The Indian Taxi Driver & The Indian Mother**
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A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Mumbai. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.
 
**CONFESSIONAL BOX…**

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".
 
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