Jokes,Jokes & More Jokes

**Playing Golf with No Knickers**

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, Daphne! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" He demanded.
"Well you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
He immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, Here's 50 Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee … Her skirt also flies up to show that she is not wearing any knickers either.
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Bridget! Where are your knickers."
She replies, "I can't afford any on the allowance you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20\. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus! Aggie. Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She also explains, "You dinna give me enough money at be able at affarrd any."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the Love'o Jaysus 'n the sake of decency...here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a wee bit !
 
The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.

"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.

"Yes it is" I replied.

"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer…

"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!". . . . . . . . . . . . ..
 
**The Italian Lover**

The Italian Lover, a virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido, was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome , when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I Danish."
 
**Where do you bury Kevin?**

Kevin Rudd goes on a state visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away.
The undertaker tells the Australian Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for $5,000,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100.'
The Australian Diplomats go into a corner and discuss this for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Kevin shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $5,000,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100? With the money you save you could help pay back some of the deficit, help pay for the Emissions Trading and get a face job for Julia, or help the elderly.'

The Australian Diplomats reply, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'
 
**Paddy and Mick**

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

–---------- --------- --------oOo- -----------
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your f***ing plane!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".
------------ --------- --------oOo- ------------------ -

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- ---------

Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

-------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"
--------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"
 
**Indecent Proposal..!!!**

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his class….. but she belonged to someone else....
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a 1000 dollars if you let me screw you....but the girl said NO.

Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for 2000 dollars, by the time you pick up the money he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.....

She said "THE B@STARD USED COINS!!!
 
@Aladinsane said:
**Indecent Proposal..!!!**

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his class….. but she belonged to someone else....
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a 1000 dollars if you let me screw you....but the girl said NO.

Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for 2000 dollars, by the time you pick up the money he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.....

She said "THE B@STARD USED COINS!!!
Click to expand...

bahahahaha
 
**Super Bowl**

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".

The man shakes his head.

"No, they're all at the funeral."
 
The Family Feud

A classic so funny, we just had to run it again…

Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on the game show Family Feud (Family Fortunes in the UK):

Name something a blind person might use: a sword

Name a song with moon in the title: blue suede moon

Name a bird with a long neck: a penguin

Name an occupation where you need a torch: a burglar

Name a famous brother and sister: Bonnie and Clyde

Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers: a horse

Name something that floats in the bath: water

Name something you wear on the beach: a deck chair

Name something red: my cardigan

Name a famous cowboy: Buck Rogers

Name a famous royal: mail

Name a number you have to memorize: 7

Name something you do before going to bed: sleep

Name something you put on walls: roofs

Name something in the garden that's green: a scarecrow

Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine: dishes

Name something you might be allergic to: skiing

Name a famous bridge: the bridge over troubled waters

Name something a cat does: goes to the toilet

Name a continent: Italy

Name something you do in the bathroom: decorate

Name an animal you might see at the zoo: a dog

Name something slippery: a con man

Name a kind of ache: a pancake

Name a food that can be brown or white: potato

Name a potato topping: jam

Name a famous Scotsman: Jock

Another famous Scotsman: Vinnie Jones

Name something with a hole in it: window

Name a non-living object with legs: plant

Name a domestic animal: leopard

Name a part of the body beginning with 'N': knee

Name a way of cooking fish: cod

Name something you clean: your sister
 
**The Priest's Ass**

The Priest entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again.

The local paper read:
**PRIEST'S****ASS OUT FRONT.**

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the Priest not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:
**BISHOP****SCRATCHES****PRIEST'S****ASS.**

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Priest to get rid of the donkey.
The Priest decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:

**NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN**.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:

**NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10.**
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

**NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.**
The Bishop was buried the next day.
 
**Happy Australia Day Everyone**…....One of the Best things I love about Australians, is how we can that the piss out of ourselves......
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What's the difference between Aussies and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into Aussies when they drink.

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What's the difference between an Australian and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.
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Why do birds fly upside down over Australia?
It's not worth shitting on.
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Why was the Christ child not born in Australia?
You'd have a job finding three wise men, much less a virgin!!
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What do you call a field full of Australians?
A vacant lot.
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An Englishman, an Irishman, an Australian and a New Zealander were in a plane, getting ready to make their first parachute jump. The Englishman's exit was spectacular; he leapt out of the plane with the cry "I am doing this for my country.....". The Irishman leapt out immediately afterwards, calling out the same words. Then the New Zealander ripped the parachute off the Australian, pushed him out of the plane and cried "I'm doing this for my country.....".
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How do you define 144 Australians?
Gross stupidity.
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The Aussie pilot, when asked for his height and position, replied, "I'm 5'11 and sitting in the front seat".
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What do you call an Aussie who scores well in an IQ test?
A cheat.
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An Aussie is proof that God has a sense of humour.
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What do you call an Aussie with half a brain?
Gifted.
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If Santa Claus, a smart Aussie and a dumb blonde were in a room, and you tossed in a hundred dollar note, who would grab it first?
The blonde - the other two don't exist.
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How many Aussies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Ten. One to make the batter, and nine to peel the Smarties.

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What should you do if an Aussie throws a grenade at you.
Pull the pin and throw it back.
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Did you hear about the Aussie who had a brain transplant?
The brain rejected him a week later.
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What's the difference between yoghurt and Australians?
At least yoghurt starts with a little culture.
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An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain".

"That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk". The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out".
The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"
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What does an Australian girl use for protection during sex?
A bus shelter.
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Newsflash!! Paul Keating's library burned down at the weekend and two books were destroyed! The real tragedy was that he hadn't finished colouring in one of them.
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There's a Japanese firm that has developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut.
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An Australian is someone who thinks that the three major political parties in Australia are Labour, Liberal and Cocktail.
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**The $100 TATTOO**

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Judy, says, 'Where in the hell have you been'?
Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo'.
A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'
I got 2 x $50 notes on my p**is,' he said proudly.
'What the hell were you thinking'? She said, shaking her head in disdain.
'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollars tattooed on his privates?'
'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want'.
Larry is recovering in Ward 23
 
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren.'
And *poof* she's gone.

The second says, 'I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini.'

St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he ask
'Sara Pipalini' replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.'
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.

'No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.'
 
There was a knock on the door this morning,

I opened it and there was a young fresh faced bloke standing there who said:
"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

I said "Hi there, come in and sit down."
"Now, what do you want to talk about"?

He said, " Stuffed if I know, I've never got this far before"
 
**"Morning Sex "**

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
“You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
 
**The Kiss…**

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a pretty young thing about to jump off a bridge, so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit suicide," was the answer.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, they kissed.

After they’ve finished the biker says, "Wow, that was the best kiss I have ever had." That's a real talent you are wasting, you could be famous.
"Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…..."
 
**A Blonde goes to Heaven**

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the Blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question..

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision..' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'

And the Blonde entered Heaven..
 
Can't remember if I have posted this before….I know the female forum members will remind me if I have....just remember that I only joking & clinically insane :roll :roll :roll
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**– VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---**
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telewoman

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
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Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me…'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
 
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