Richard Hinds didn’t miss the Pom’s here. I’ve noticed on Twitter the English media aren’t fans of him because he tells it as most people outside the English media see it.
From the ABC
The Ashes: Conspiracy theories ignore the root of England's woes against Australia
ANALYSIS BY OFFSIDERS COLUMNIST RICHARD HINDS
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The England tourists in the Bodyline series of 1932/33 were the victorious masters of the dark art of leg theory. This season's visitors are proving to be the delusional exponents of the self-defeating art of conspiracy theory.
Ben Stokes' absence? The compelling video evidence of the all-rounder fracturing the eye socket of a man outside a Bristol nightclub has been the source of more alternative versions than the Zapruder film of John F Kennedy's assassination.
If Stokes' plight wasn't the fault of bottle-throwing homophobes who allegedly incited the burly all-rounders' violent response, it was the consequence of smug self-interested Australians insisting he be banned.
Jonny Bairstow's nightclub headbutt of Cameron Bancroft? A traditional Yorkshire greeting disingenuously misconstrued, mischievously withheld then scandalously exploited by the Australians, evil proponents of stump microphone propaganda.
And so it has gone, reason lost in the search for excuses by a team and its management so misguided you wonder if they will go on to tour New Zealand, or instead head to Kenya to search for Barack Obama's birth certificate.
The conspiracy theories have been swallowed whole by sections of the English media who have found it easier to relay — or, in some cases, even to create — the muttered "cheating Aussie" alibis than examine the poor performance of the visiting team or the weaknesses in its make-up.
Even when England sledged Australian captain Steve Smith in Adelaide with the kind of ferocity the tourists claimed they abhorred in Brisbane, it was justified as the tit-for-tat reprisal of the bullied lillywhites.
Not merely the visitors proving they were as potty-mouthed as their Australian tormentors, as Jimmy Anderson and co had often demonstrated.
Then, before England could claim Nathan Lyon was bowling from a grassy knoll or a short leg fielder replaced his helmet with a tin foil hat, a fringe player called Ben Duckett splashed a drink across Anderson in a Perth bar and the real reason for their travails was exposed.
Like the stars of an episode of X-Files, this England team had convinced itself the truth about their rapidly deteriorating tour of Australia was out there. In fact it was right in front of Jimmy Anderson's beer-soaked nose.
It turns out the so-called "cultural problems" in the England team raised after Stokes's early morning mayhem, in the company of teammate Alex Hales, were real. Either that or a team that knows nothing good will happen after midnight until they extend the final session of a day-night Test has a ravenous appetite for self-destruction.
The real shame for England? Not Bairstow's unexpectedly robust greeting or Duckett's apparent spat with his vice-captain.
Unlike Stokes' violent outburst, these were merely symptoms of the greater problem — some England players cannot wander outside their hotel lobby after dark without finding a lot of alcohol and a least a little bit of trouble.
England only to blame for off-field distractions
The real shame for England is that its deflection and self-denial has meant the problem has not been addressed beyond exasperated coach Trevor Bayliss's schoolmasterly curfew.
Instead, the incidents — and, more so, the publicity they have created — have become a vast distraction during a series when the gap between the teams is not as great as the eventual outcome seems likely to be.
Rewind to the final session of the fourth day in Adelaide with England 3-169 chasing 354 and giving just a hint that it could mount one of the most unlikely comebacks in any Ashes Test, despite Joe Root's disastrous decision to send Australia in.
Adelaide, with a pink ball that under lights turns South Australia into South Anglia, was the one Test many had thought England could win. But to do so after Australia had dominated for three days and Steve Smith had failed to enforce the follow-on would have completely tilted the psychology of the series in the tourists' favour.
England captain Joe Root attracted much criticism for his decision at the toss in Adelaide.
PHOTO England captain Joe Root attracted much criticism for his decision at the toss in Adelaide.
AAP: DEAN LEWINS
The late ratting of Dawid Malan's stumps by Patrick Cummins and a rather limp England batting performance on the final day extinguished the prospect of a famous, potentially series-defining victory.
Yet, as with Australia's deceptively comfortable victory in Brisbane, you could not help feeling the gap between the teams was as much a result of their greater mental application as their ability.
In Brisbane, the English convinced themselves they were the victim of those dastardly Australian tricks. In Adelaide they fought fire with fire and were still looking for excuses when they got burnt.
It is the mentality of a team that does not go back to its hotel and work hard on its deficiencies. Rather, one that heads straight to a bar to drown its sorrows and convince itself it copped the wrong end of the stick.
As innocuous as it may have been, Duckett's drink splash might well prove the moment when the wheels on this England tour fell off. Much like Graeme Swann's mid-series retirement, amid squabbling with teammate Kevin Pietersen, signalled the symbolic end of the disastrous 2013/14 tour.
If so, this will have been an even more spectacular disintegration. Australia's bowling is superior and the home conditions advantageous but this Australian team is far from a superpower.
Lose in Perth, as most expect, and the ECB's post-mortems will begin. Scapegoats will be slaughtered and more conspiracy theories concocted. But to explain their current plight this England team needs only to gaze into the mirror
