OzLuke
Well-known member
Things that make you laugh!! š
- Thread starter Tigerlily
- Start date
beachtiger
Well-known member
An old bull and a young bull stand on top of a hill above the cows in a paddock. The young bull looks down and excitedly says, āQuick letās race down there and do one of those cowsā.
The old bull looks at him and in a relaxed voice says, āSon, why donāt we walk down and do them all!!ā
The old bull looks at him and in a relaxed voice says, āSon, why donāt we walk down and do them all!!ā
The-moP
Well-known member
Q: Two kids playing āHid N Seekā ā¦ one gets injured, so they decide to take them to a hospital ā¦ What part of the hospital did they take them to ā¦ ??
A: ICU
A: ICU
OzLuke
Well-known member
hank37w
Well-known member
Just cleaning up the office and found this old gem in a pile of paperwork. This seemed to be the most logical place to post it.
It's the Bankstown High School Maths Exam, pretty long but parts of it still crack me up:
BANKSTOWN HIGH SCHOOL
CITY OF BANKSTOWN
MATHEMATICS EXAM
NAME ............................
GANG ............................
Time allowed 1 hour
If Mohamed lowers his WRX 2 inches front and back and puts on stolen
18-inch Zepter wheels, how many inches has he originally lost from the
stock suspension?
If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved, how many razors will he
need before he goes to the gym at 8.00pm?
If Mustaffa runs 10 km from the Police in Lakemba to Punchbowl then steals
a car and drives another 5 km to Bankstown, how many kilometres has he
travelled if he ends up hiding in Wiley Park?
Omar has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an "8 ball" to Hamil for $320.00
and 2 grams to Akhmed for $85.00 per gram, what is the street value of the
balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
If Ahmed receives $200.00 per week disability allowance from Centrelink
and works for his brother as a builder and receives a further $400.00 per
week and then pays $10.00 per week for each of his 11 children for school,
how much money does he have left to buy a smashed Tarago from the
auctions?
If the average spray can covers 22 square metres and the average letter
is 8 square centimetres, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans
of paint?
If Soula needs 25 mls of wax per day to get rid of her facial hair and
Soula is only 19 years old, how many mls will her mother need if she is
47?
Mohamed has an AK-47 with 2 x 30 round clips. If he misses 6 out of 10
shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by
shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
If Jim changes the oil in his Fish & Chips shop deep fryer every 18 months
and this costs him $400.00, how often should he change the oil if he wants
to spend only $180.00 per annum on new oil?
If Abdo runs a Donor Kebab shop and works as a Taxi driver on weekends and
earns $1,200.00 per week, how much does Centrelink give him for his job
search allowance?
If Bankstown's ethnic community is increasing at a rate of 3.5% per month,
the overall population increasing at 2.1 % per month, at what rate are
the Aussies leaving?
Nabil wants to cut his 8 ounces of heroin to make a 20% profit, how many
ounces of cut will he need?
Chang gets $200.00 for stealing a BMW, $150.00 for a Commodore and $100.00
for a Falcon. If he has stolen two BMW's and three Falcons, how many
Commodores will he have to steal to make $1,800.00?
If Bilal gets a haircut and gets a number 2 on the sides and a number 3 on
top, then goes back 3 weeks later and gets a number 1 all round, how much
has his hair grown in 3 weeks? (Assume that his hair grows evenly at a
rate of 2 mm per day)
Quang is pimping for three girls. If the price is $75.00 for the trick,
how many tricks will each girl have to turn so that Quang can pay for his
$200 per day crack habit?
If Greg Smith hears the word "yullah" approximately 55 times per hour in
Bankstown Square, How many times will he hear the word "mate" in Penrith
Plaza, if Bankstown has a population of 85,000 and Penrith has a
population of 10,000?
If Luigi drives his family and cousins all in one car from Leichardt to
Stanmore, how many round trips will he need to make if 40 of his relatives
need a lift and he can put 12 people in his Valiant at any one given time?
If Ahmed uses 1 kg of "bog" to fix his smashed car, how many cans of
spray paint will he need if Hardware House is selling them for $9.00 each
and each can has 85 mls and the ambient air temperature averages at 22.5
degrees Celsius?
Trinh is in prison for 6 years for murder. He received $10,00.00 for the
hit. His common law wife is spending $100.00 per month. How much money
will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for
killing the b**** that spent his money?
If Mario's dad has his top 3 buttons of his shirt open and reveals 1 x
golden cross and 2 other golden ornaments, and has approximately 17 sq cm
of hair coming from his chest with an average length of 2 cm, what is the
probability that the ornaments will be visible from:
2 feet away .....%
5 feet away .....%
100 feet away .....%
If Effie's mum sells her galaktoboureko for $2.00 per slice and she wants
to make an extra 10% profit on each slice, how many sheets of filo pastry
will she leave out if the filo pastry costs 62 c a sheet and she normally
uses 17 sheets on each tray which she cuts into 16 slices?
Hamul has knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang.
What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hamul knocked up?
If George has $12,000.00 and buys 2 smashed cars from the auctions, how
much will it cost him to fix them if his friend from school Ahmed is a
panel beater and charges him Habib rates of $40.00 per hour?
If Layla has to move her eyes 50 degrees to the right when doing her maths
HSC exam to see Julie Wilson's answers, how many degrees will she have to
move her head if Michelle, Linda and Lisa are sitting 1 metre apart from
Julie?
It's the Bankstown High School Maths Exam, pretty long but parts of it still crack me up:
BANKSTOWN HIGH SCHOOL
CITY OF BANKSTOWN
MATHEMATICS EXAM
NAME ............................
GANG ............................
Time allowed 1 hour
If Mohamed lowers his WRX 2 inches front and back and puts on stolen
18-inch Zepter wheels, how many inches has he originally lost from the
stock suspension?
If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved, how many razors will he
need before he goes to the gym at 8.00pm?
If Mustaffa runs 10 km from the Police in Lakemba to Punchbowl then steals
a car and drives another 5 km to Bankstown, how many kilometres has he
travelled if he ends up hiding in Wiley Park?
Omar has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an "8 ball" to Hamil for $320.00
and 2 grams to Akhmed for $85.00 per gram, what is the street value of the
balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
If Ahmed receives $200.00 per week disability allowance from Centrelink
and works for his brother as a builder and receives a further $400.00 per
week and then pays $10.00 per week for each of his 11 children for school,
how much money does he have left to buy a smashed Tarago from the
auctions?
If the average spray can covers 22 square metres and the average letter
is 8 square centimetres, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans
of paint?
If Soula needs 25 mls of wax per day to get rid of her facial hair and
Soula is only 19 years old, how many mls will her mother need if she is
47?
Mohamed has an AK-47 with 2 x 30 round clips. If he misses 6 out of 10
shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by
shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
If Jim changes the oil in his Fish & Chips shop deep fryer every 18 months
and this costs him $400.00, how often should he change the oil if he wants
to spend only $180.00 per annum on new oil?
If Abdo runs a Donor Kebab shop and works as a Taxi driver on weekends and
earns $1,200.00 per week, how much does Centrelink give him for his job
search allowance?
If Bankstown's ethnic community is increasing at a rate of 3.5% per month,
the overall population increasing at 2.1 % per month, at what rate are
the Aussies leaving?
Nabil wants to cut his 8 ounces of heroin to make a 20% profit, how many
ounces of cut will he need?
Chang gets $200.00 for stealing a BMW, $150.00 for a Commodore and $100.00
for a Falcon. If he has stolen two BMW's and three Falcons, how many
Commodores will he have to steal to make $1,800.00?
If Bilal gets a haircut and gets a number 2 on the sides and a number 3 on
top, then goes back 3 weeks later and gets a number 1 all round, how much
has his hair grown in 3 weeks? (Assume that his hair grows evenly at a
rate of 2 mm per day)
Quang is pimping for three girls. If the price is $75.00 for the trick,
how many tricks will each girl have to turn so that Quang can pay for his
$200 per day crack habit?
If Greg Smith hears the word "yullah" approximately 55 times per hour in
Bankstown Square, How many times will he hear the word "mate" in Penrith
Plaza, if Bankstown has a population of 85,000 and Penrith has a
population of 10,000?
If Luigi drives his family and cousins all in one car from Leichardt to
Stanmore, how many round trips will he need to make if 40 of his relatives
need a lift and he can put 12 people in his Valiant at any one given time?
If Ahmed uses 1 kg of "bog" to fix his smashed car, how many cans of
spray paint will he need if Hardware House is selling them for $9.00 each
and each can has 85 mls and the ambient air temperature averages at 22.5
degrees Celsius?
Trinh is in prison for 6 years for murder. He received $10,00.00 for the
hit. His common law wife is spending $100.00 per month. How much money
will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for
killing the b**** that spent his money?
If Mario's dad has his top 3 buttons of his shirt open and reveals 1 x
golden cross and 2 other golden ornaments, and has approximately 17 sq cm
of hair coming from his chest with an average length of 2 cm, what is the
probability that the ornaments will be visible from:
2 feet away .....%
5 feet away .....%
100 feet away .....%
If Effie's mum sells her galaktoboureko for $2.00 per slice and she wants
to make an extra 10% profit on each slice, how many sheets of filo pastry
will she leave out if the filo pastry costs 62 c a sheet and she normally
uses 17 sheets on each tray which she cuts into 16 slices?
Hamul has knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang.
What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hamul knocked up?
If George has $12,000.00 and buys 2 smashed cars from the auctions, how
much will it cost him to fix them if his friend from school Ahmed is a
panel beater and charges him Habib rates of $40.00 per hour?
If Layla has to move her eyes 50 degrees to the right when doing her maths
HSC exam to see Julie Wilson's answers, how many degrees will she have to
move her head if Michelle, Linda and Lisa are sitting 1 metre apart from
Julie?
JD Tiger
New member
Thanks @hank37w, that was brilliant.
rustycage
Well-known member
...and the winner is @hank37w. š
Bankstown Boys High was my Alma mater.. I can confirm the accuracy of that Exam..
hank37w
Well-known member
@Geo said in [Dad Humour](/post/1250616) said:
What gang, I mean class were you in?
mike
Well-known member
If you donāt believe in music puns,
you have my symphony.
you have my symphony.
mike
Well-known member
To drive an electric car you need a current license.
mike
Well-known member
"A coronavirus walks into a barā¦ā
...or shall we all wash our hands of such humor?
...or shall we all wash our hands of such humor?
Cairnstigers
New member
Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.
Cairnstigers
New member
I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
Cairnstigers
New member
Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
Cairnstigers
New member
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
Cairnstigers
New member
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath.
He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She replied, "You mean it shows that, too?
He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She replied, "You mean it shows that, too?
Cairnstigers
New member
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's anad for "Gorilla Removers."
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull."What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going togo up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseballbat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab histesticles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to puthim in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner."What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull."What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going togo up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseballbat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab histesticles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to puthim in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner."What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!
