TopTiger
Well-known member
Things that make you laugh!! 😂
- Thread starter Tigerlily
- Start date
TopTiger
Well-known member
TopTiger
Well-known member
TopTiger
Well-known member
TopTiger
Well-known member
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
So I had to put my foot down.
TopTiger
Well-known member
A weary traveler pulls into a roadside truck-stop café for a late lunch. A tired-looking waitress shuffles over to his booth, her thumb stuck in her mouth like a teething toddler.
“Mmmph… whaddaya want?” she mumbles around it.
He shrugs and places his order: “Give me the soup of the day, the special, and a slice of hot apple pie.”
A few minutes later she returns with the soup — and he immediately spots her thumb soaking in the bowl like it’s taking a spa day. He grimaces, but figures it’s a truck stop, so he lets it go.
Then comes the entrée. Now her thumb is buried right in the mashed potatoes like a flagpole. He’s starting to twitch with irritation, but says nothing.
Finally, dessert arrives. The waitress sets down the steaming apple pie — thumb plunged straight into the filling like she’s checking the temperature. That does it.
He explodes: “What is wrong with you?! Why is your damn thumb always in my food?!”
She gasps. “Oh gosh, I was hoping you wouldn’t notice. I sprained my thumb, and the doctor said to keep it warm. I can’t take time off — if I do, they’ll fire me.”
The traveler glares and snaps, “I don’t care about your thumb! For all I care you can stick it up your ass!”
She blinks at him, completely serious, and replies: “that’s exactly how I keep it warm in the kitchen while waiting for your food!”
“Mmmph… whaddaya want?” she mumbles around it.
He shrugs and places his order: “Give me the soup of the day, the special, and a slice of hot apple pie.”
A few minutes later she returns with the soup — and he immediately spots her thumb soaking in the bowl like it’s taking a spa day. He grimaces, but figures it’s a truck stop, so he lets it go.
Then comes the entrée. Now her thumb is buried right in the mashed potatoes like a flagpole. He’s starting to twitch with irritation, but says nothing.
Finally, dessert arrives. The waitress sets down the steaming apple pie — thumb plunged straight into the filling like she’s checking the temperature. That does it.
He explodes: “What is wrong with you?! Why is your damn thumb always in my food?!”
She gasps. “Oh gosh, I was hoping you wouldn’t notice. I sprained my thumb, and the doctor said to keep it warm. I can’t take time off — if I do, they’ll fire me.”
The traveler glares and snaps, “I don’t care about your thumb! For all I care you can stick it up your ass!”
She blinks at him, completely serious, and replies: “that’s exactly how I keep it warm in the kitchen while waiting for your food!”
TopTiger
Well-known member
An Aussie truckie walks into this Pub with a full-grown emu behind him. The barmaid asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the barmaid returns with the order 'That will be $15 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next week, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same..'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the barmaid.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.
Shortly the barmaid brings the order and says, 'That will be $40.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The barmaid cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the barmaid. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a litre of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The barmaid asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.' 🇦🇺
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the barmaid returns with the order 'That will be $15 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next week, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same..'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the barmaid.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.
Shortly the barmaid brings the order and says, 'That will be $40.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The barmaid cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the barmaid. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a litre of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The barmaid asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.' 🇦🇺
TopTiger
Well-known member
In a small town just outside Houston, John was repairing his bathroom door and upon inspection realized it needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Patty to the small general store in town.
While waiting for the manager, Tom, to finish serving another customer, Patty noticed a beautiful silver teapot sat on the top shelf. When Tom came over, she asked, “Hey Tom, that teapot is gorgeous - how much is it?”
Tom replied, “Sure is, Patty, that one’s pure silver and antique too: I’ve got it marked up for $300.”
Patty gasped, “My goodness, that’s a lot of money!”
Then she explained the hinge her husband John needed, and Tom went to the back to find it. From the storeroom, he called out, “Hey, Patty, you wanna screw for that hinge?”
Patty smiled and shouted back, “No, but I’ll think about it for the teapot!” 😂☕
While waiting for the manager, Tom, to finish serving another customer, Patty noticed a beautiful silver teapot sat on the top shelf. When Tom came over, she asked, “Hey Tom, that teapot is gorgeous - how much is it?”
Tom replied, “Sure is, Patty, that one’s pure silver and antique too: I’ve got it marked up for $300.”
Patty gasped, “My goodness, that’s a lot of money!”
Then she explained the hinge her husband John needed, and Tom went to the back to find it. From the storeroom, he called out, “Hey, Patty, you wanna screw for that hinge?”
Patty smiled and shouted back, “No, but I’ll think about it for the teapot!” 😂☕
