@alex said:
Can I buy a vowel? 😕
Jokes,Jokes & More Jokes
- Thread starter Aladinsane
- Start date
Can I buy a vowel? 😕
Aladinsane
New member
**Another Old one…**
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him? He asked, 'What are all those
clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on
earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'
'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire
life.'
'Where's Kevin Rudd's clock?' asked the man.
St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling
fan.'
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him? He asked, 'What are all those
clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on
earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'
'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire
life.'
'Where's Kevin Rudd's clock?' asked the man.
St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling
fan.'
Q: Have you heard about McDonalds’ new Kevin Rudd Happy Meal?
A: Order anything you want and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
–------------------------------------------
Heaven or Hell – Rudd’s choice
While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.
So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. ‘Welcome to Heaven,’ says Saint Peter, ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’
‘No problem, just let me in; I’m a good Christian; I’m a believer,’ says the PM.
‘I’d like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you’ll live for eternity.’
‘But I’ve already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,’ replies Rudd
‘I’m sorry .. But we have our rules,’ Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down …all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.
The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Gough Whitlam and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years — Bob Hawke, Paul Keating, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there ..
Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.
They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of ’suckers and peasants.’
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Rudd with a frosty drink, ‘Have a tequila and relax, Kev!’
‘Uh, I can’t drink anymore; I took a pledge,’ says Rudd, dejectedly.
‘This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!’
Rudd takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with their master strokes on Education, Immigration, Petrol prices, Tough on Crime promises.
They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it’s time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Rudd steps on the lift and heads upward.
When the lift door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. ‘Now it’s time to visit Heaven,’ the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours Rudd is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other’s company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it’s not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn’t see anybody he knows and he isn’t even treated like someone special!
‘Whoa,’ he says uncomfortably to himself. ‘Gough Whitlam never prepared me for this!’
The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, ‘Well, you’ve spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.’
With the ‘Deal or No Deal’ theme playing softly in the background, Rudd reflects for a minute … Then answers: ‘Well, I would never have thought I’d say this — I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all — but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.’
So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors of the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.
He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to Rudd and puts an arm around his shoulder.’ I don’t understand,’ stammers a shocked Rudd, ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time.. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!’
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, ‘Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!’
A: Order anything you want and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
–------------------------------------------
Heaven or Hell – Rudd’s choice
While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.
So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. ‘Welcome to Heaven,’ says Saint Peter, ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’
‘No problem, just let me in; I’m a good Christian; I’m a believer,’ says the PM.
‘I’d like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you’ll live for eternity.’
‘But I’ve already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,’ replies Rudd
‘I’m sorry .. But we have our rules,’ Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down …all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.
The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Gough Whitlam and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years — Bob Hawke, Paul Keating, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there ..
Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.
They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of ’suckers and peasants.’
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Rudd with a frosty drink, ‘Have a tequila and relax, Kev!’
‘Uh, I can’t drink anymore; I took a pledge,’ says Rudd, dejectedly.
‘This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!’
Rudd takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with their master strokes on Education, Immigration, Petrol prices, Tough on Crime promises.
They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it’s time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Rudd steps on the lift and heads upward.
When the lift door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. ‘Now it’s time to visit Heaven,’ the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours Rudd is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other’s company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it’s not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn’t see anybody he knows and he isn’t even treated like someone special!
‘Whoa,’ he says uncomfortably to himself. ‘Gough Whitlam never prepared me for this!’
The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, ‘Well, you’ve spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.’
With the ‘Deal or No Deal’ theme playing softly in the background, Rudd reflects for a minute … Then answers: ‘Well, I would never have thought I’d say this — I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all — but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.’
So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors of the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.
He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to Rudd and puts an arm around his shoulder.’ I don’t understand,’ stammers a shocked Rudd, ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time.. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!’
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, ‘Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!’
Rudd Fans!!!
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many
of them were Rudd fans.
Not really knowing what a Rudd fan is, but wanting to be liked
by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for
the infamous, Little Billy, in the front row.
The teacher asked Little Billy why he has decided to be different.
'Because I'm not a Rudd fan.'
The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Rudd fan?'
'Because I'm a Liberal.'
The teacher asked him why he's a Liberal.
Billy proudly answered, 'Well, my Mum's a Liberal and my Dad's a Liberal, so I'm a Liberal.'
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mum was a moron and your
dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'
With a big smile, Billy replied,
'That would make me a Rudd fan.
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many
of them were Rudd fans.
Not really knowing what a Rudd fan is, but wanting to be liked
by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for
the infamous, Little Billy, in the front row.
The teacher asked Little Billy why he has decided to be different.
'Because I'm not a Rudd fan.'
The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Rudd fan?'
'Because I'm a Liberal.'
The teacher asked him why he's a Liberal.
Billy proudly answered, 'Well, my Mum's a Liberal and my Dad's a Liberal, so I'm a Liberal.'
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mum was a moron and your
dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'
With a big smile, Billy replied,
'That would make me a Rudd fan.
Tiger_Watto
New member
Geoff was at school and the teacher asked all the kids what there dad's did for a job. All the kids yelled Fireman, Chippy etc. But little Geoff kept quite so the teacher asked him about his dad.
"My Dad dances in a gay club n takes off his clothes for men. If they pay enough, he'll go out with them, rent a room in a hotel n sleep with them."
The teacher sent the other kids to lunch and took Geoff aside to ask if that was true.
"No" said Geoff. "My dad plays for the NSW Origin Team, but I was too embarassed to say"…
"My Dad dances in a gay club n takes off his clothes for men. If they pay enough, he'll go out with them, rent a room in a hotel n sleep with them."
The teacher sent the other kids to lunch and took Geoff aside to ask if that was true.
"No" said Geoff. "My dad plays for the NSW Origin Team, but I was too embarassed to say"…
Aladinsane
New member
@Tiger Watto said:
Ha Ha Ha ….if it wasn't so sad :brick:
S
system
Guest
How to give a cat a pill in 15 easy steps
1\. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2\. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3\. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4\. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5\. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner from garden.
6\. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7\. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8\. Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9\. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to partner's forearm and immediately remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10\. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11\. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12\. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13\. Tie front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy-duty pruning loves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14\. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop at furniture shop on way home to pick out new table.
15\. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat. Call local pet shop to see if they have any pet rocks.
DOGS:
1\. Wrap pill in bacon and hand it to them.
1\. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2\. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3\. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4\. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5\. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner from garden.
6\. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7\. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8\. Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9\. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to partner's forearm and immediately remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10\. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11\. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12\. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13\. Tie front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy-duty pruning loves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14\. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop at furniture shop on way home to pick out new table.
15\. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat. Call local pet shop to see if they have any pet rocks.
DOGS:
1\. Wrap pill in bacon and hand it to them.
Aladinsane
New member
**The HairCut**
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I can't accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a policeman comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can't accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The policeman was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can't accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
\
\
**BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON**
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I can't accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a policeman comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can't accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The policeman was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can't accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
\
\
**BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON**
innsaneink
Well-known member
The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office.
The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Aladinsane
New member
**Clever Flight Attendant**
A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Denver to Dallas . The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did…." "Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have her explain that to you."
A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Denver to Dallas . The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did…." "Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have her explain that to you."
Aladinsane
New member
**The top 10 Best Golf Caddy Remarks**
**No. 10**
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
**No. 9**
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
**No. 8**
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
**No. 7**
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
**No. 6**
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
**No. 5**
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch it's a compass."
**No. 4**
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
**No. 3**
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
**No. 2**
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
and the No.1 best caddy comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
**No. 10**
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
**No. 9**
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
**No. 8**
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
**No. 7**
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
**No. 6**
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
**No. 5**
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch it's a compass."
**No. 4**
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
**No. 3**
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
**No. 2**
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
and the No.1 best caddy comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Aladinsane
New member
**Letter from an Irish Mother to her Son**
Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.
You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.
Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!
Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.
I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days.
Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.
We had a letter from the under-taker. He said if the last payment on your Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving.. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Your loving Mum
P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.
Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.
You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.
Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!
Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.
I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days.
Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.
We had a letter from the under-taker. He said if the last payment on your Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving.. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Your loving Mum
P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.
Aladinsane
New member
**Voted Best Joke in Ireland**
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending
the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub
with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only
been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time
I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending
the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub
with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only
been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time
I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Aladinsane
New member
Paddy & Mick flew to Canada for an adventure.
They chartered a helicopter to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.
They managed to bag 6\. Loading the helicopter to return, the Pilot said the helicopter could take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let
us take them all and he had the same helicopter as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The helicopter took off.
However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power
the helicopter couldn't handle the load and went down.
Miraculously, surrounded by moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
They chartered a helicopter to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.
They managed to bag 6\. Loading the helicopter to return, the Pilot said the helicopter could take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let
us take them all and he had the same helicopter as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The helicopter took off.
However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power
the helicopter couldn't handle the load and went down.
Miraculously, surrounded by moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
A
alien
Guest
haha some good ones there
matty_tiepie
New member
The Woman Marine Pilot
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
''Yes ma`am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Don't STUFF with Mommy when she's been drinking."
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
''Yes ma`am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Don't STUFF with Mommy when she's been drinking."
Marshall_magic
New member
A hot young blonde walked into a telecommunications store, and asked if she could use a phone to call her mother, who was on the other side of the world, so she could see how she was doing. The guy behind the counter asked if she had any money on her, and she said she didn't. He told her that there was nothing he could do, as they couldn't give out freebies.
A second staff member heard the conversation, noticing how attractive she was, he went over to the blonde and told her he could work out an alternative arrangement for her to call her mum.
"Follow me into the other room," he said, "we'll sort it out in here."
"Ok," she said, and followed him into an empty room in the shop, "what do you want me to do?"
"kneel down on the floor here," he said and she obliged, "now, see the zip on my pants, undo that, and pull the underwear down too"
"ok, no worries," she said, and followed his instructions."
"Now, pull it out, and go," he said.
The blonde very slowly and nervously pulled it out, brought it right up to her mouth, held it about an inch away and said,
"Hello mum, can you hear me?"
A second staff member heard the conversation, noticing how attractive she was, he went over to the blonde and told her he could work out an alternative arrangement for her to call her mum.
"Follow me into the other room," he said, "we'll sort it out in here."
"Ok," she said, and followed him into an empty room in the shop, "what do you want me to do?"
"kneel down on the floor here," he said and she obliged, "now, see the zip on my pants, undo that, and pull the underwear down too"
"ok, no worries," she said, and followed his instructions."
"Now, pull it out, and go," he said.
The blonde very slowly and nervously pulled it out, brought it right up to her mouth, held it about an inch away and said,
"Hello mum, can you hear me?"
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