Jokes,Jokes & More Jokes

**Exchange Rates**

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated … . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
 
I know, this is not right…..but I am insane!!!

• Can you spare just $2? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video – its bloody hilarious.

• I’ve caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is good morning you ugly prick? It’s not yours is it?

• I’m sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. Did I give her a mouthful.

• Husband says to his wife “do you fancy playing a rape game?” Wife says “no”. Husband replies “that’s the spirit!

• There’s a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain.

• I failed my biology exam today. I was asked to name 2 things commonly found in cells. Apparently, aboriginals and Lebanese rapists is not the correct answer.
 
With my wife's family come and gone for Christmas breakfast ,and before we all do the eating thing again for Lunch with all my side ….he's one to help the digestion.........
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**Case Study**

I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage, he approached her and asked, "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't come over to your place tonight!"

With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back to our table, puzzled and humiliated. A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized.

"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you," she said, "but I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying human reaction to embarrassing situations."

At the top of his lungs Justin responded, "What do you mean, two hundred dollars?
 
@Leroy The Tigers Fan said:
Just be careful you don't get offered a Christmas Island Cocktail, one on the rocks and you'll be smashed!.
Click to expand...

already heard that one
 
@Aladinsane said:
With my wife's family come and gone for Christmas breakfast ,and before we all do the eating thing again for Lunch with all my side ….he's one to help the digestion.........
\
\
**Case Study**

I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage, he approached her and asked, "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't come over to your place tonight!"

With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back to our table, puzzled and humiliated. A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized.

"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you," she said, "but I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying human reaction to embarrassing situations."

At the top of his lungs Justin responded, "What do you mean, two hundred dollars?
Click to expand...

:laughing:
 
@Leroy The Tigers Fan said:
Just be careful you don't get offered a Christmas Island Cocktail, one on the rocks and you'll be smashed!.
Click to expand...

That's what I must have been drinking last Thursday night….because I was totally wrecked...keep them coming Leroy
 
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
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Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
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Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
 
Sister Mary entered the Convent Of Silence… Mother Superior told her, "Sister, this is a silent convent. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary lived in the convent for 5 years before Mother Superior said to her "Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak 2 words now."... Sister Mary said, "Hard Bed",,,"I'm sorry to hear that," Mother Superior told her," we will get you a better bed."

Another 5 years passed and Sister Mary was again called in by the Mother Superior.
" You may say another 2 words,Sister Mary," she told her.
"Cold Food", said Sister Mary.... So Mother Superior assured her the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the convent, Mother Superior again called Sister Mary into her office.
"You may say 2 words today"
"I Quit", said Sister Mary.
"It's probably best", said the Mother Superior, "You've done stuff all but moan, since you got here".
 
**Skinny Dipping**
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An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.
 
As some of you might know I live out here on the other side of the Blue Mountains in what most people refer to as the sticks, I have a mate I work with who is quite fond of 'Hunting' with a bow & arrow as opposed to a rifle.
He's pretty proud of his exploits and has even featured in Magazines that cover game hunting.
When Brad captures a feral animal he often likes to feed his family an exotic meal, the other day Brad captured a nice deer, young and tender and when he cooked up some he presented it to his family, proud as punch.
Here you go kids this is some really nice Venison, young Julie didn't know what Venison was so she asked Brad again what was it their eating, Brad replies 'it's what Mummy calls Dad', without hesitation Julie's twin brother Billy says to sis, spit it out, you can't eat A@@#$#%#@'s!
 
**FOUR FRIENDS AT A PARTY**

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.

He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the
president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrif ic! My son is also my pride and joy. He started
working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the
company, where he owns the > majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his
birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer.
Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all
the congratulations for?' One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our
sons. ….What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame...what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His
birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the
line Mercedes from his three boyfriends. !!!!!!
 
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1\. He called everyone brother
2\. He liked Gospel
3\. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1\. He went into His Father's business
2\. He lived at home until he was 33
3\. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother
was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1\. He talked with His hands
2\. He had wine with His meals
3\. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian :
1\. He never cut His hair
2\. He walked around barefoot all the time
3\. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian :
1\. He was at peace with nature
2\. He ate a lot of fish
3\. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1\. He never got married.
2\. He was always telling stories.
3\. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1\. She fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2\. She kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3\. And even when She was dead, She had to get up because there was still work to do
 
Proof that the Christian Church allows polygamy.
During the vows the Husband is asked the question - Four better, Four Worse, Four Richer, Four Poorer.
Thus a man is allowed 16 wives not just one!.
 
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute.. "do you know who the father is?"

"For flipsakes ,if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
 
Today's word is…............. Fluctuations
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was
trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the
teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I
only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
 
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