Things that make you laugh!! 😂

[Jolls]

An Octopus goes into a bar and says: "I can play any musical instrument going!"

Someone gives him a guitar and he starts to play like Jimi Hendrix.

The bartender motions to the piano, which he sits in front of and promptly starts playing, better than Elton John.

A Scotsman tosses him a set of Bagpipes. The Octopus fumbles around for a couple of minutes.

The Scotsman says "what's wrong...can ye' not play it?"

The Octopus says: "Play it!?! I'm gonna' screw her brains out once I figure out how to get her pajamas off!"

 

[liltiger]

In honor of the Christmas season.

Does anyone know why the dyslexic boy got no Christmas presents ?

He wrote his Christmas letter to Satan.

 

[liltiger]

Anyone else find it funny in this day and age that a pizza arrives at your place quicker than the police do.

 

[liltiger]

You know you live in a pretty bad area when you buy an advent calander and half the windows are boarded up.

 

[Camel2281]

Anyone else find it funny in this day and age that a pizza arrives at your place quicker than the police do.

When I lived in London last decade you could get a bag of Colombia's finest delivered to your house faster than a pizza

 

[Cobarcats]

Anyone else like reading Footrot Flats?

 

[happy_tiger]

Anyone else find it funny in this day and age that a pizza arrives at your place quicker than the police do.

Very very true

Last two times we called the Police to our business ..they didn't come

 

[happy_tiger]

When I lived in London last decade you could get a bag of Colombia's finest delivered to your house faster than a pizza

But their footballers aren't keepers

 

[Jolls]

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year" Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

 

[Suzie-Q]

Courtesy of the grandkid ...
There's 2 fish in a tank. One says to other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

 

[tiger_one]

Welcome to the plastic surgery addicts group.
I see a lot of new faces here today.

 

[tiger_one]

It’s really hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells on the sea shore.

 

[Jolls]

On Christmas morning a copper is on horseback sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a grommet on his shiny new bike.

The copper says to the grommet, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

Excitedly the kid replies, “Yeah.”

The copper says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.” and then issue him with a $20.00 bike safety violation ticket.

The grommet takes the ticket and looks up at the copper and says, “That’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

Humoring him the copper says, “Yeah, he sure did.”

The grommet takes off on his bike and yells over his shoulder, “Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”

 

[tiger_one]

To the man who invented 0.
Thanks for nothing.

 

[Lauren]

Usually hate these jokes but actually found this one funny.

 

[bathursttiger1]

surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked,
"How long will it be before I am able to have
A normal sex life again doctor?"
\
\
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl…..
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.
It's just that no one has ever asked me that
after having their tonsils out."

 

[tiger_one]

Steven: "Good evening."
Stephen: "Good ephening."

 

[Cobarcats]

Everybody is a winner, no problem.

 

[twentyforty]

It’s really hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells on the sea shore.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for months, I don’t want to interrupt her.

 

[Cobarcats]

I haven’t spoken to my wife for months, I don’t want to interrupt her.

For a second there I thought that read Interpreter 🙂