Things that make you laugh!! 😂
- Thread starter Tigerlily
- Start date
twentyforty
Well-known member
She admitted the other day that I’m right,
Wife. “You know why I talk more than you do?”
Me. “No.”
Wife. “Because I have to say everything twice!”
Jolls
Well-known member
Once upon a time Santa was getting ready for his Christmas run... but he was having trouble getting his shit together.
Four of his elves were sick, so in a bind he hired a couple from down the pub. Good elves, but keen for a natter and did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones.
Already under pressure and starting to get further behind schedule Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit.
Santa's mother in law was a real PITA. His bad day was getting worse. Trying to get ahead he thought ... I'll go and prep the reindeer.
When he went to harness them reindeer, he found that three of them had been out on the town and were hung over. Angrily he asked where the other two were - they picked up at the pub last night. Don't worry they said they'd be back in time!
Santa was so pissed off - he needed them at their peak performance to make the toy run and half of his team are recovering and the other two have been up all night being "romantic".
OK, he thinks - I'll load the sleigh then. He stepped onto the side board and slipped on some ice, dropping toys everywhere. He kicked a remote control car for young Johnny in frustration and it broke when it landed.
Frustrated, and even more pissed off, Santa went into the house for cold beer. He just wanted to sit and reflect!
He goes to the bar fridge and it's empty - reindeer had raided the fridge before they went into town.
Santa slammed the fridge door. One of the reindeer had left an empty stubbie on top of the fridge; it started to wobble, Santa tried to catch it but fumbled the catch and it smashed on the floor.
Swearing at himself, he trudged into the laundry to get the broom. He opens the cupboard door and he found that the mice had eaten the straw.
Just then the doorbell rang.
Santa swore, and marched to the door.
He opens the door and the Little Angel from Hey Hey It's Saturday is standing there with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
This is how the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree began!
Four of his elves were sick, so in a bind he hired a couple from down the pub. Good elves, but keen for a natter and did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones.
Already under pressure and starting to get further behind schedule Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit.
Santa's mother in law was a real PITA. His bad day was getting worse. Trying to get ahead he thought ... I'll go and prep the reindeer.
When he went to harness them reindeer, he found that three of them had been out on the town and were hung over. Angrily he asked where the other two were - they picked up at the pub last night. Don't worry they said they'd be back in time!
Santa was so pissed off - he needed them at their peak performance to make the toy run and half of his team are recovering and the other two have been up all night being "romantic".
OK, he thinks - I'll load the sleigh then. He stepped onto the side board and slipped on some ice, dropping toys everywhere. He kicked a remote control car for young Johnny in frustration and it broke when it landed.
Frustrated, and even more pissed off, Santa went into the house for cold beer. He just wanted to sit and reflect!
He goes to the bar fridge and it's empty - reindeer had raided the fridge before they went into town.
Santa slammed the fridge door. One of the reindeer had left an empty stubbie on top of the fridge; it started to wobble, Santa tried to catch it but fumbled the catch and it smashed on the floor.
Swearing at himself, he trudged into the laundry to get the broom. He opens the cupboard door and he found that the mice had eaten the straw.
Just then the doorbell rang.
Santa swore, and marched to the door.
He opens the door and the Little Angel from Hey Hey It's Saturday is standing there with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
This is how the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree began!
bathursttiger1
Well-known member
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mum on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mum sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mum and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mum, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
Buttface
Well-known member
I wasn’t sure what thread to go with but it made me laugh so here we are.
I seen a member in the members online whose handle is @Toilet training. Just thought I’d was appropriate that Buttface says 👋.
I seen a member in the members online whose handle is @Toilet training. Just thought I’d was appropriate that Buttface says 👋.
Some years in the future…
Ireland wins the FIFA World Cup! The hero of the final is goalkeeper Paddy O’Dwyer, who in the penalty shootout makes three miraculous saves.
Of course that night he’s celebrating out on the town and has had a few. Walking home, feeling 10 foot tall, he comes to an eight-story apartment building that’s on fire. There are fire engines, police, ambo’s and onlookers but the fire engine’s ladders can’t reach the roof where a woman is holding a baby as the flames keep heading up towards her.
One of the firies notices Paddy and yells, “Paddy, bloody awesome game today!” Paddy nods. The firie then has an idea. “Paddy, if the woman on the roof throws her baby, could you catch it?”
“No problem,” says Paddy.
The firie looks up at the woman and yells, “Throw the baby! Throw the baby! Paddy O’Dwyer is down here!”
The woman looks down and recognises that it really is Ireland’s hero. So she reaches over the edge and throws the baby.
Paddy never takes his eyes of the falling baby. It swirls in the breeze and as it drifts, Paddy dives under a fire truck, puts out one big mitt and catches the baby’s head inches from the ground.
The crowd went beserk!
Paddy cradled the baby, stood up, bounced it twice and kicked it 50 metres.
Ireland wins the FIFA World Cup! The hero of the final is goalkeeper Paddy O’Dwyer, who in the penalty shootout makes three miraculous saves.
Of course that night he’s celebrating out on the town and has had a few. Walking home, feeling 10 foot tall, he comes to an eight-story apartment building that’s on fire. There are fire engines, police, ambo’s and onlookers but the fire engine’s ladders can’t reach the roof where a woman is holding a baby as the flames keep heading up towards her.
One of the firies notices Paddy and yells, “Paddy, bloody awesome game today!” Paddy nods. The firie then has an idea. “Paddy, if the woman on the roof throws her baby, could you catch it?”
“No problem,” says Paddy.
The firie looks up at the woman and yells, “Throw the baby! Throw the baby! Paddy O’Dwyer is down here!”
The woman looks down and recognises that it really is Ireland’s hero. So she reaches over the edge and throws the baby.
Paddy never takes his eyes of the falling baby. It swirls in the breeze and as it drifts, Paddy dives under a fire truck, puts out one big mitt and catches the baby’s head inches from the ground.
The crowd went beserk!
Paddy cradled the baby, stood up, bounced it twice and kicked it 50 metres.
Red88_Tiger
Well-known member
Dominic was at the pub talking. Said he puts $2 in a jar every time he makes love to his wife and that buys her Xmas present.
Back when they were newlyweds she got a new car. 30 years on she’s lucky to get a cupcake with her coffee
Back when they were newlyweds she got a new car. 30 years on she’s lucky to get a cupcake with her coffee
C
Cobarcats
Guest
At least we know the current reindeer had past the test and are safe...
Red88_Tiger
Well-known member
What’s the absolute best present to give anyone
A broken drum
You just can’t beat it
A broken drum
You just can’t beat it
Buttface
Well-known member
One casket calls out to the other casket, “Hey, are you coffin?”
InBenjiWeTrust
Well-known member
Tony McPhee guitar, a member of the cult rock band the Groundhogs,
diedpretty
Well-known member
Please be careful during the holiday season and at parties
I would like to share a personal experience with all of you about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.
I would like to share a personal experience with all of you about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.
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