Things that make you laugh!! 😂

[TopTiger]

My penis was in the Guiness Book of World Records and then the Librarian asked me to take it out.

 

[TopTiger]

A blonde has saved for years and finally has enough money to buy a Mercedes Benz and purchases the car and drives it home. A few days later she comes back to the dealership she bought it from to complain to the mechanics that the car drives fine during the day but won't work at night.

The mechanics test drive the car and come back and state that they cannot find anything wrong with it. They asked her a series of questions then queried what she was doing differently during the day to the night when driving she said nothing other than putting the gear stick into d for day and then n for night.

 

[tiger_one]

‘Doctor, there’s a patient on line one that says he’s invisible.’
‘Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.’

 

[TCL]

3 young ladies die in a car crash and arrive at heavens gates. St Peter greets them and says we only have one rule, don’t step on the ducks. The ladies look at each other and agree, they enter heavan to see ducks everywhere. Having been there for no longer than 5 minutes, the 1st lady accidentally steps on a duck. St Peter appears and says you broke the rules, as punishment you will be paired with an ugly man for the rest of eternity. Out of nowhere an ugly guy appears and the young lady is stuck with him. As the second one turns to the 3rd chuckling, she steps on a duck and again St Peter appears and dishes out the same punishment pairing the lady with an ugly guy. The 3rd lady having learnt from the first 2 avoids stepping on any ducks for 30days and out of the blue a handsome man appears, the lady thinks how great, this must be a reward for not stepping on any ducks. She fixes herself up, with a grin on her face she says to the handsome man, what brings you here, he looks her up and down and says I stepped on a duck!

 

[TopTiger]

Yesterday I accidently handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chap stick, she still isn't talking to me.

 

[tiger_one]

Bought a head of lettuce from a grocery store called Mommas and Papas.
Can't eat it because all the leaves are brown.

 

[hank37w]

and it's not even Winter yet.

 

[Snidest 0]

Two delusional dickheads walk into a bar...



.... shame the punchline is that this lifestyle (for two unemployed blokes with dwindling prospects) is still all paid for by Wests Tigers largesse over far too many years!

And the Joker was ....

 

[TopTiger]

Will glass coffins become popular, remains to be seen.

 

[tiger_one]

Algebra is like divorce.
You look at your "X" and wonder "Y".

 

[Suzie-Q]

Algebra is like divorce.
You look at your "X" and wonder "Y".

True story!!! 😂😂😂

 

[Tiger_Fanatic3]

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

 

[Tiger_Fanatic3]

I went to see the dentist, he did warn me it was going to hurt.

He was right. He admitted to an affair with my wife.

 

[TopTiger]

I saw a guy at the shopping centre with a trolley full of four leaf clovers, horse shoes and rabbit feet. I thought to myself this guy is pushing his luck.

 

[TopTiger]

If a one year old refuses to nap are they resisting a rest?

 

[tiger_one]

Back in the day, Julie Andrews terminated her brand ambassadorship with a cosmetic company.
She maintained "This super-coloured fragile lipstick gives me halitosis!"

 

[Tiger_Fanatic3]

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims. They went through 87 stories in 10 seconds.

 

[Tiger_Fanatic3]

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend."

Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

 

[Tiger_Fanatic3]

Was digging in the garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.
I was about to tell her about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in the garden.

 

[TopTiger]

I told my wife not to get upset when someone calls her fat, she is bigger than that!