Things that make you laugh!! 😂

[tiger_one]

Have you heard of the new Apple Product to protect your eyes?
It’s called the iLid.

 

[tiger_one]

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.

​

 

[FinestTigers]


 

[Swordy]

I'm thinking of being cremated and my ashes put in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.

 

[Swordy]

Was in the pub with a mate the other day and these four huge bastards started mouthing off at us. My mate says to me quietly - lets pretend we are the police and get them to leave us alone. I only got half way through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the shit out of us.

 

[tiger_one]

My New Year's resolution is to procrastinate.
I'll start tomorrow.

 

[tiger_one]

My pet mouse Elvis died last night.
He was caught in a trap.

 

[hank37w]

Some would find that hard to believe or maybe they just have suspicious minds.

 

[tiger_one]

Vin Diesel eats 2 meals a day.
Breakfast
and
Breakfurious.

 

[Swordy]

I hate the game 'Scrabble' so much, I can't put it into words.

 

[bathursttiger1]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut". The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair".

(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)

"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

 

[Swordy]

Bad news. I went to court today and was convicted of being narcissistic. Of course I'm appealing.

 

[Swordy]

I lost my job at the hospital when they accused me of stealing neck braces, but at least I was able to walk out with my head held high.

 

[hank37w]

That reminds me of an old story at the Chullora Railway Workshops going back about 50 years or so.

There was a worker that kept wheeling a wheelbarrow out the gate past the security guard.

This had been going on for quite some time and eventually the security guard started getting a bit suspicious and thought the guy was up to no good.

Turns out the guy was stealing wheelbarrows.

 

[nrlsurvivor]

How much did the roof cost?
Nothing it was on the house

 

[nrlsurvivor]

Why was Mr Bean in a dinghy?
Because he was rowin’ Atkinson

 

[nrlsurvivor]

Why did the man knock on the fridge door?
In case there was a salad dressing

 

[tiger_one]

Just curious, can you buy a whole chess set at a pawn shop?

 

[tiger_one]

Why did the chicken hold a seance?
To get to the other side.

 

[Swordy]

Doctor: Relax David. Don't panic. It's just a small surgery.
Patient: But doctor, my name isn't David!
Doctor: I know. I'm David!