Things that make you laugh!! 😂

[bathursttiger1]

The first applicant of the day at the Pearly Gates explains that his last day was not a good one.

"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just got out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips.

I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found superhuman strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.”

Saint Peter thanked him for his story and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.

"I was on the roof of an apartment-building working on the AC equipment
and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest.”

Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room. Saint Peter is still chuckling when his third customer of the day enters.

He apologizes and says, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.”

“I don't know," replies the man. "Picture this, I'm naked, hiding in this cedar chest...”

Classic.

 

[Swordy]

My mate’s wife got really mad when he told her she had no sense of direction.
She packed up her bags and right.

Now that is top class funny

 

[diedpretty]


 

[Tiger_Fanatic3]

Son: Dad what's the best thing about Switzerland?
Dad: I don't know son, but the flag is a big plus..

 

[tiger_one]

Don't go bacon my heart.
I couldn't if I fried.

 

[Mac]

Sorry, a bit long but needs to be…

An international pilot lived at the end of a remote, dirt road in the mountains. Most weeks he was overseas and was only home for a few days each month.

He retired recently and a neighbour a few kms away noticed his car was now parked at the house full time and decided to pay him a visit.

He knocked on the door and the pilot opened it.

“How are ya mate? I’ve noticed that for years you’ve hardly been here and for the last few weeks you’ve been here all the time?”

The pilot explained that he had just retired and was looking forward to getting more involved in the community.

“That’s great!” said the neighbour. “I’m having a bit of a do at my place this Friday night and your welcome to come. One thing though, there’s usually plenty of swearing at these parties.”

The pilot said he’d love to come and he couldn’t care less about the swearing.

“That’s good. One other thing; there’s usually a bit of fighting – the odd punch-up if ya know what I mean?”

The pilot explained that he’d been an amateur boxer in his younger days and reckoned that he could still handle himself and wasn’t too concerned about any violence.

“Lastly said the neighbour, I’m not sure how to put this…but there is usually lots of wild sex had at these parties.”

The pilot looked at him and said, “Mate, one thing an international pilot doesn’t mind is a bit of casual sex. I’m really keen to come along. None of the things you’ve said has put me off. What’s the dress code and what time do you want me to arrive?”

“Doesn’t really matter.” drawled the neighbour. “There’ll only be the two of us.”

 

[Tiger_Fanatic3]

My mate couldn't afford to pay his water bill..
So I sent him a "get well soon" card

 

[Tiger_Fanatic3]

How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?
It’s not hard.

 

[Tiger_Fanatic3]

A man walks into a bar.
Lucky bastard.

 

[Tiger_Fanatic3]

The world is a big ball..
'And i've got two'

 

[mike]

Don't let your kids talk to chickens, they'll pick up all kinds of fowl language

 

[mike]

Sex with three participants is called a 3some, sex involving 4 people is called a 4some. Now you understand why some people are labelled handsome !!!

 

[Cairnstigers]

Sex with three participants is called a 3some, sex involving 4 people is called a 4some. Now you understand why some people are labelled handsome !!!

So how does a Lonesome person do it

 

[TopTiger]

Sex with three participants is called a 3some, sex involving 4 people is called a 4some. Now you understand why some people are labelled handsome !!!

So how does a Lonesome person do it

I don't want to think about that it is too gruesome!!

 

[Tiger5150]

Sex with three participants is called a 3some, sex involving 4 people is called a 4some. Now you understand why some people are labelled handsome !!!

So how does a Lonesome person do it

Handsomely?

 

[TrueTiger]

Having a beer at the bar and a bloke asked me about politics....
I said "I trust politicians...until I see their lips move"...

 

[mike]

I asked my daughter to give me a phone book. She laughed at me, called me a boomer and lent me her iPhone.

So, the spider is dead, her iPhone is broken and my daughter is furious....

 

[hank37w]

Sex with three participants is called a 3some, sex involving 4 people is called a 4some. Now you understand why some people are labelled handsome !!!

And what a good looking fellow you are Mike.

 

[mike]

Sex with three participants is called a 3some, sex involving 4 people is called a 4some. Now you understand why some people are labelled handsome !!!

And what a good looking fellow you are Mike.

Are you calling me handsome?

 

[TrueTiger]

Sex with three participants is called a 3some, sex involving 4 people is called a 4some. Now you understand why some people are labelled handsome !!!

Just a quick question Mike...are the 3 some and 4 some the same gender ie,you the male and 2/3 other males or mixed ie you male 2/3 female...if it is the latter,its not called handsome,,your labeled GREEDY and you should have pmed me for back up,Im here to help..if its the former then your on your own....:astonished: