Things that make you laugh!! 😂

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A Few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. Then, nothing. But, after another minute or two, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet minding my own business," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts."

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says,
You're sitting on the mop bucket!"🤣😂 😻🎶
 
A Scot, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub, sharing drinks. As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times!!!"
 
@tiger_fanatic3 said in [Dad Humour](/post/1316334) said:
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood.

The nurse asked the rabbit: "What's your blood type?"

"I'm probably a Type O", said the rabbit.
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Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
Well...if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan
:joy_cat: :joy_cat: :joy_cat: :hatching_chick: :hatching_chick: :hatching_chick: .
 
I hired a handy man to do some work around the house as I had to go I gave him list of jobs to do
Imagine my surprise when I got back and found he had only completed jobs # 1,3,5,& 7
It turns out he only does ODD JOBS😂😂😂😂
 
Man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed.” “Well,” said the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” He picks the dog up, checks his eyes & teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What, because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy”
 
Some people are really scumbags. I had two tickets to the next wests tigers game sitting on the dashboard of my car parked outside.

Some lowlife smashed the window and put two more tickets there.
 
My dad told me his p/w is:
MickeyMinnieGoofyDonaldPlutoHuey
LoueyDeweyDublin

He was told his p/w must contain at least 8 characters and at least one Capital.
 
@tiger_fanatic3 said in [Dad Humour](/post/1320667) said:
Did you hear that Fedex and UPS were merging?
They’re going to be called FedUps.
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Are they Wests Tigers supporters?
 
I went to a clinic today to request a Vaccine, but I misspelled it on the paperwork.

An hour later I could barely walk and now I can’t have any more kids.
 
A police car spotted a woman driving whilst knitting.
So they pulled along side her and shouted “pull over”
“No” she replied, “it’s a cardigan”
 
I renewed my car insurance over the phone this morning, and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet.
I said, "Yes, i've got a cat."
She said, "Would you like to insure him too?"
I said, "No thanks, he can't drive!"
 
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